Today is the six month anniversary of my father's death. Needless to say, he's all I can think about. How can six months have passed? It feels like only yesterday that I saw him and laughed with him. How can months have passed since then?
I've been thinking about that last day and it still seems so stupid and insignigicant. How can that be one of the most important days of my life? It was so blah. I guess, I always figured that the days where my life changed would be memorable. It is of course, but only for what happened. If my father hadn't died that day, none of that morning would have stuck in my mind.
I had that horrible dream and I woke up disoriented. I discovered I'd slept in until almost noon, and I had to be at work for one, so I had to hurry to get ready and leave the house. I barely talked to my fathe that morning, snapped at him briefly and then he had me laughing. I remember kissing his cheek, saying "I love you, Daddy, see you later," and then leaving. All the while, without my knowledge, a chapter of my life was closing.
It seems wrong, that that was our last moment together. That for all the conversations we shared, for everything, that final goodbye took about five minuites. I hate that that was my goodbye to him. There was so much I never got a chance to say, never will.
Because when I got off work, it was all over. I think about those last three hours from 6 until 9, when my life had already changed but I didn't know it. Ignorence is bliss. I spent those hours, assuming my father would be there waiting for me. Not knowing that he never would be again.
Hell, six months later, I still have a hard time dealing with that. I still expect him to be here. I still think of things I want to tell him or I'll see something that I want to buy him and hits me like a tidal wave. I don't get to do those things any more, because he's gone and he's not coming back.
Rationally I know that, but emotionally it's a little harder to accept. Because how can he be gone? I love him so much, so how I can never see him again? It makes no sense, but then it never does, I suppose.
I'm not a poet, not like Meg, but every once in a while I end up wriitng a poem, simply because I need to get the emotion out and it just can't fit into a proper story. Because of that my poetry is often deeply personal. I've written poems about all the significant events in my life, at least the traumatic ones, as I've tried to come to terms with them. This was no different, I wrote a long poem, wrote it last time I was in Toronto and I had several hours to kill. It's not that good, but it conveys everything going on inside of me....
Things Unsaid
(A Daughter's Goodbye)
By Michelle McKague
I see you everywhere I go,
The memory of you in places you once were.
Laughter echoes in empty spaces,
Hollow imprints of what once was.
I walk through the house,
Searching for you.
But you are not there,
All there is silence.
I can still see you in my mind,
I can still imagine that when I turn around you’ll be there.
But when I do,
All there is is emptiness.
You’re not there,
You’ll never be there again.
That thought is so hard to believe,
That it’s all over just like that.
In an instant my life changed,
I never saw it coming.
One instant everything was wonderful,
The next it was all in ruins.
I think of you the way you were the last time I saw you,
You smiled and kissed my cheek.
I laughed and said goodbye,
Never assuming that there’d never be another hello.
I left and when I came back,
My life was different.
You were gone,
And nothing could ever bring you back.
It’s a day that will live with me forever,
The memory haunts me still.
For in an instant my life changed forever,
And I can remember it all so clearly.
A worried, frightened look on Mama's face
Whispers of an accident and the uncertainty of your whereabouts.
A feeling of dread,
The fear rising in my throat.
A long drive home,
Trying to calm my fear.
Dialing the same number over and over,
Hoping that you’ll answer and it’ll all be okay.
We got home and the news was waiting for us,
Just like we knew it would be.
I heard the words “there was an accident”,
And I felt my world shatter.
The tears came early,
And then dried away.
There was no grief, no sorrow,
Only emptiness.
I was numb inside,
Not yet ready to feel pain.
The grief would come,
But first there were things to be done.
The people came,
Saying the same things over and over again.
All I wanted was to be alone,
Yet I was constantly surrounded.
The words I didn’t want to hear,
Never seemed to stop.
The hugs I couldn’t stomach,
Came at me from all directions.
I know they loved you too,
So I bit my tongue and played my role.
I accepted the condolences,
Never letting on that I just wished the rest of the world would go away.
The first week passed,
And then came the moment I had dreaded.
At last I had to say goodbye,
I had to watch the story end.
I sat in a room full of people,
And heard them talk about you.
I heard the stories and smiled at the memories,
Slightly removed from the reality.
It was all slightly unreal,
As if it was someone else they were talking about.
I didn’t feel the pain I knew I should,
It was like I was watching someone else’s life.
But that feeling did not last,
My wall did come crumbling down.
They played your special song for me,
And suddenly I realized what it meant.
All the plans I’d had in my mind,
They’d never come to be.
We’d never dance at my wedding,
You would not be a part of my tomorrow.
All my life you were there,
My past, my present, my future.
Suddenly you were just my past,
My future would stretch on without you.
I cried then,
At that realization.
Cried for the future I had lost,
And also for the memories.
The tears dried quickly,
Though I knew they would come again.
I sat there through the end,
Listening as your favorite songs were paid in tribute.
It was a fitting goodbye,
One fit for a special man.
We honored you the way you would have most appreciated,
By celebrating the way you lived.
You were not typical,
You were not what some people expected.
But you were special,
Loved by so many.
You touched our lives,
And made them better.
Now though,
There’s a hole that no one can fill.
Months have passed,
But the emptiness has not gone away.
I am still overcome with grief,
Have not reconciled to the pain.
I don't know who I am anymore,
No longer Daddy's little girl.
For so long I've been thought of as your daughter,
Now I have to find an identity of my own.
I was always part of a family of three,
But now we're only two.
Just mother and daughter,
But it's not the same without the father.
Three was a happy number,
Two is so terribly lonely.
We're not complete without you,
There's a giant hole no one will ever fill.
I miss you dearly,
More than words can ever say.
It is not fair,
How can you be gone?
There was still so much left unfinished,
So much that I wanted to say.
It seems that you left much too soon,
Before the story was complete.
There was no preparation,
No warning.
One day you were there,
The next you weren’t.
I never got to say goodbye,
Had no inkling that my life would change.
I hope you knew how much I loved you,
Hope you understood what you meant to me.
For all the years to come,
I’ll think of you.
I’ll carry you in my heart,
The memory of someone very special.
I know a day will come,
When I don’t think of you every hour.
That there will be a time,
When the memories begin to fade.
When I don’t think of things to tell you,
Or wonder what you would have thought.
When I don’t search for you in a crowd,
Or walk into a room and expect to see you.
I understand that moving on is part of life,
And that eventually I will move on.
I will put you in my past,
And go on without you.
That day has not yet come,
The memories still cut like a knife.
But, I know that they won’t always,
That someday the healing will begin.
But even when that day comes,
A part of me will never heal.
There will always be a piece of me missing,
The piece that you took with you.
You were there from the beginning,
Now I must go on without you.
But I know that you are with me,
Through me you live on.
I'll think of you often,
I'll never forget you.
Someday the memories will be sweet rather than bitter,
And I'll be able to smile as I remember.
I know we'll meet again,
Somewhere far from here.
You'll meet me with open arms,
And the years will melt away.
Until then,
All I can do is do as I think you would want me to.
I'll try my best to make you proud,
Though I know you always were.
The hardest part is letting go,
And I'm not ready yet.
So I'll nurse the pain and the anger,
Knowing someday it'll be okay.
Someday I'll forgive you for something that wasn't your fault,
Someday I'll let it go.
I'll forgive you for leaving me,
Even though I know you didn't want to.
I'll reconcile to the future that wasn't what I planned,
I'll survive the big days that you should be there for.
It won't be the same,
But I know that you'll be watching.
Your love was something I never doubted,
And I don't doubt it now.
A father's love never dies,
And I feel it all around me.
I just wish I could hear you say it one last time,
Though I heard it so many times before.
I want one more hug,
Because no one else's hugs are quite like yours.
I want to go back,
But I know I can't.
You can't change the past,
No matter how much we might wish to.
So I have to accept that this is the end,
That there will never be another day.
Even if there is so much left unsaid,
So many conversations left unfinished.
But there is one thing I'll say right now,
Something I hope you knew.
I love you Daddy,
And I always will.
I'm not ready to let you go,
But I know you're already gone.
So I'll write these painful words,
Goodbye Daddy,
From the daughter who will never forget you.
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See, not great? But, I needed to write it. I got my thoughts out and expressed them the way I needed to, which is good. I'm not always too good at that, I keep a lot bottled up inside. Which isn't good, but that's the way I am and I'm probably not going to change.
