Here We Go Again

It's beginning again. It's almost February and like the last two years, I feel the same old symptoms coming back. I'm more irritable, my thoughts are darker and I'm having a harder time sleeping. Joy.

It's been almost three years. 22 days from now it'll be three years and yet here I am, going through the same dark cycle for the third year in a row. You'd think I'd have made progress my now, moved on at least slightly, but apparently not.

At least there's an improvement in the fact that I've made it to at least semi-funtional 11 months of the year. It's just when we get close to February, that it all hits me and I forget all the progress I've made and go back to being broken and damaged.

I don't think I'm as damaged any more, but I'm certainly still damaged. I broke that day almost three years ago. I really, compleletly broke and though I'm back together better now, there are still cracks. It's like breaking a bone, it never quite works the same again and there's always a bit of pain there.

I'm going home this weekend for Grandpa's birthday. I'll probably make a trip to the cemetary, since I won't be around on the 21st (since it's mid-week). I know he's not really there, but it makes me feel closer to him. It's odd, I feel more comfort from the stone, than from his actual ashes which are on our bookshelf... Maybe, it's the symbolism. Whatever it is, it's comforting and well, I need all the comfort I can get.