200th Post

First, I'd like to say that this is the 200th post on this blog! That's pretty impressive, right? That I've actually come up with 200 things to babble about... So, I'll be moving in the new year. My living situation has become very tense and it has been agreed that I will find a new place to live. Sigh. However, I have been looking into my options and put out a few feelers, so it shouldn't be too bad.

Of course, since this is me--I don't know. I get paranoid over little things and when things start to go good, well that's when they're about to go bad, right? I blow things out of proportion in my mind and start obsessing over them, to the point where all I can do is focus on how everything is about to go wrong.

Maybe it's because I'm basically an insecure person deep down, no matter how I try to hide it. I truly believe that in the end I'm going to screw things up, friendships, relationships, school and I spend most of my time trying to fight those beliefs because I know it's self destructive. I am my own worst enemy.

The worst part is with the people in my life, I won't ask them about it. If they act differently or if I get a weird feeling from them, I'll obsess about it for weeks, but I will never broach the subject with them. I'm too afraid they're going to say that they hate me.

I'm having one of those days. I'm sitting in the lab, because I have no where else to go, crying my eyes out. I can't go back to my apartment, because it'll just make things worse. I called my mom and she just made me feel worse. I just feel kind of unhappy about my situation as a whole, but I am being rescued. My friend Tim came and got me. I have good friends—probably part of why, I’m afraid to voice my feelings, because without them I’d be lost and I don’t want to do anything to drive them away.

Anyway, this has been a pretty depressing 200th post. Oops, but if you’re reading this, then you’re probably used to it.