Isolation

This is one of those low periods in my life. My dreams are bordering on distrubing once more, so sleep is no sanctuary and when I'm awake I'm left to deal with my thoughts, which aren't the most pleasant. My mind is a prison, trapping me with unpleasant thoughts and leaving me no place for escape.

Perhaps, if would be better if I was working, but I'm not. Not for another month at least, doctor's orders. So, I sit here along most of the time, with nothing else to do, but wallow in my thoughts. It's not very helpful and just digs me deeper into the unpleasant cycle, but I see no way of breaking it.

It doesn't help that I feel very isolated from my friends these days. It's no fault of theirs, they have lives of their own, their busy. But even more than that, I feel distant from them when even when they are around. Like their right in front of me, but something's blocking me from reaching out and really communicating with them. Some invisible barrier.

It's an unpleasant feeling, the feeling that you're cut off from everything and everybody. You want to launch into self-pity, but you know that there's no releief there. It would only be digging the whole deeper. So, you just struggle to find something to hold onto, something to connect with. But nothing's helping.

I can'y even find sanctuary in my writing, like I normally would. The words come, but they aren't very good and they offer no satisfaction. I think it was better last year, when I couldn't write all. Now I can write, but nothing worth putting my name on. My thoughts, my self won't pour out like they used to, it just stayed walled up inside.

The only positive I can think of, is that this is bound to pass. It's a dark cycle, but I've been in them before and survived, maybe I didn't come out exactly as I was, but I did managed to come out in one piece. So, I just have to believe that it'll happen this time as well, that when I beat my inner demons and escape the prison of my own thoughts and feelings, I will see the other side and it will be light.