Realizations

I came to a scary realization yesterday. I realized that I seriously disliked someone close to me because I was jealous of her. My cousin, we've never been friends, though she's nice to me and tries to be friendly, I still don't like her. I finally figured out why.

It's strange, it took me over twenty years to come to that realization. I was just thinking about it and that's why I don't like her. Because all my life I've felt I was in competion with her and that I was on the losing end. I felt that she was smarter, prettier, more accomplished. I just felt like I could never be as good as her. It drove me crazy, maybe it still does, I don't know...

I guess I have some self-esteem issues I need to work on, huh?

Other than that, life is life. Work is slow and boring. But, I get up and I go. Most days. Some days I hate my life. Not in like a suicidal way, but in a 'I want my old life back' kinda way. I'd give anything to have my life the way it was on February 20th, but that's not gonna happen, is it? Didn't think so.

Big family party this weekend. It was fun, in that awkward-sad kinda way. It was fun, but there were those moments when it hurt a lot. But most things are like that these days. No pain free days.

I'm thinking about banning the colour pink from my wardrobe. Though, I'd need a whole new wardrobe. I have too much pink. Seriously. I came to a realization that somewhere along the lines I became the 'pink girl' or maybe I've always been her, but that's still pretty scary. Besides, I don't feel like 'pink girl' anymore, I feel like 'black girl'. Maybe I'll dye all my clothes...

Nah, I think people would get a little too worried about me. So, I'll save that one. I'll just have to think of something else...