Got My Computer Back!

I'm writing this from the privacy of my own bedroom. After ten months, I FINALLY got my computer back. Thank god. No more waiting three days to check my e-mail, no more headphones. I did it!

Had a hard weekend. Went out on Saterday. One drink got me tipsy, which is odd. First time that's happened in about five years. Still, since in the last month I've been throwing up constantly, it's not that surprising. Had blood tests today. Hope there's nothing wrong.

Anyway, I said somethings I probably shouldn't. About my father, my feelings. About what I want for my future. I'm hoping everyone just lets drop and never mentions it again. That's usally the way I feel after I've been drinking and I've said too much.

Father's day wasn't as bad as it could be. I was only at the cemetary for like 5 minutes. No more, thank god. It wasn't my idea of a good time. Still, the day improved drastically with the knowledge that I got my computer back. I kinda knew it was coming, I had been that my aunt wanted to tell me good news, but I didn't want to get my hopes up. Still, I did it, I earned it back. How wicked is that?

Just checked the shift bid. It closes in an hour so though not official, it's pretty likely that I'm getting 8-4 with weds, thurs off. Yuck. Oh, well it could be worse. It could be 4-12 with tues, wed off. That would be the worst shift I can imagine.

I Hate Being Sick

I'm sick. I hate being sick. I have like no energy and I've been really nauseous. It's not a lot of fun. Hopefully it'll go away soon. Like tomorrow.

Saw Harry Potter on Monday. I didn't like it as much as the other two. Maybe because I love the book and am more picky with it. I hadn't read Philospher's Stone when I saw the movie and I'm not that fond of Chamber of Secrets the book (it's my least favourite of the five), so I had the least expectatins for it. Still, PoA wasn't bad, in fact it was quite good. It just wasn't as good as I wanted it to be.

The Stone's up. I went to see it on Sunday. It hurt just looking at it, seeing his name written there and knowing it's real, permananet. I'm not gonna wake up and have it all be a bad dream. No matter how much I want it to be.

I don't get to go back. I know that and slowly, but surely I'm starting to move on. Taking it day by day. I'm getting there. Really, I am.

It's All About the Weekend

I had a very eventful weekend, especially given that I had to work. It was actually pretty interesting for a change. I did lots of things, instead of just working, eating and sleeping, like I normally do. Though, I did do all three of those things, of course.

I'll start with the beginning. Friday we were driving into Cobourg and Mom and David decided to pick up a hitchhiker. I, of course was opposed on principle, but I got over-turned. Turns out we knew the guy, so I didn't have a problem, but it was so strange who it was. Jon. I hadn't seen him in a couple years and it was kind of bizarre that I'd run into him in such a random way.

He looked good. Different, but then, time has a way of doing that. I gather he's doing okay, which is good. he was only in the car for like 10 minutes, but it kept lingeriing on my mind these last few days. It was so long ago, I was so young. Sigh.

Moving on, Mom and I went to Bob and Dyann's on Friday. That was fun. I love spending time with Tonya. We hung out, talked and stuff. It was fun.

Saterday, hung out with my friends. The bunch of us went to McGregor's. That was fun. Of course, I had to work Sunday, so I couldn't stay out TOO late, but...

Still, I had a more interesting weekend than usual. That's a good thing.

Dark Dreams

I dreamed of death last night. It was the same eerie kind of dream I had the day my father died, so I'm kind of freaked. It's probably nothing, but... It still has me freaked out.

My dreams have all been strange lately. More so than usual. Dark and disorted, making very little sense, but seeming to have some sort of message. Just one I can't understand, if that makes any sense at all.

It's shift bid time at work again and once again I'm going to get a crappy shift. I can work until 11 & 12 and have weekends off, or I can have a day shift with stupid days off. Since I don't drive, I need a day shift which means I'm looking at like Wed & Thurs off. Yuck. I hate my job, I need to find another one.

I also need a licence. I am working on it. I had another driver's lesson today, he told me I'd be ready by August. Which is waht I was aiming for, so... My instructor thinks I have a good, level head on my shoulders, which is a good thing when it comes to driving, but that I'm a little too cautious. So just have to work on not being petrified of the others cars. It's not that easy.

Father's day is next weekend. Yay. I'm planning it out in my head. I think I'm going to go to the cemetary early, before everyone else gets there and do my thing then. I'll also go by the day before or something to see the stone for the first time and have that moment. It's going to be one of the hardest things I ever do, I just know it.

Still haven't had a chance to see Harry Potter, wah! I really want to go see it, but just haven't had the time. Taela and I are probably going to go see it on Monday after work, which'll be good.

The Way We Were

Aunt Linda found a picture she took like a year ago. It was of Mum, Dad, and I. One of the last ever taken and it's a good shot of all three of us. Looking at it hurts, because it reminds me of what I can never have again.

I've been thinking about my father a lot these last few days. More than normal. First, the anniversary of D-Day. He was such a world war two fanatic, he would have made a big deal over it. He always did, he could talk about D-Day for hours if we let him and he would have made us watch hours of boring documentaries. I found myself watching some on my own, just because I knew that he would have if he could have. It made me feel a little bit closer to him, like he was here again.

Also, Ronald Regan died this weekend, and that made me think of Daddy. After all, Regan was his favourite president. My father thought he was one of the greatest men to ever live. So, again, I couldn't help but think of him and what he would be doing or saying if he were here.

I think of him often. I think that's a good thing, but it hurts.

I haven't had a chance to see Harry Potter yet. Hopefully this weekend. I really want to see it, Prisoner of Azhkaban is amongst my favourite of the books, so...

Tampa Bay won the Stanley Cup. Sigh, I really wanted a Canadien team to win. Oh, well, at least I can be happy that Dave Andrewchyck finally got his cup after 22 seasons. That's pretty cool. He was one of Daddy's favourite players...

I'm Sick. Again.

I have this habit of putting the people in my life into categories and reacting badly when they try to go outside the boundaries I've set in my head. It's just there are things I'm comfortable sharing with some people and not with others. Part of my insanity, I suppose.

I'm sick. I have the flu, which sucks. I mean it's June, it's not exactly flu season. Yet, here I am with being very sick. I started coming down with it Friday (when we were still in Toronto) and now's I'm at that full-fledged, can't keep anything down stage. Yay.

Had fun in Toronto, though. Taela and I shopped. Got to see Meg's new place. Went out for dinner. Had a few mishaps, mainly involved getting lost. Pretty typical actually. But it was fun, just what I needed.

Barbecue lastt night at Roger's. Mum dragged me even though I was in bed recovering from my illness. She didn't want to go alone and thought that she had to go. So we went and it was awkward, like most things are these days. But it was fun at points. Had a good time hanging out with James and discussing music, people we both know and partiies. Oh, we also bantered about the fact that he tortured me when we were kids. Typical stuff, really.

I can't think of anything else. In fact, I can barely sit up, so this is it for now. I'm gonna go crawl into bed and die.

Black Thoughts

I have all these thoughts and yet they don't even make sense to me. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm going crazy. It certainly feels like it. I don't even understand what goes on in my head 90% of the time.

But maybe I've always been crazy and I'm just realizing it now because I still can't really write. A couple things have come to me, but nothing of substance. In the past, my craziness, my fractured thoughts were poured out onto paper (or rather, a computer program) and came together to make some sort of sense. That's the way my muse worked, but lately, the thoughts are still there, still fractured, but they won't come onto the paper the way they did. So, I'm left trying to deal with them on my own. It's rather frightening.

Taela and I are going to go to Toronto tomorrow, just for the day. I need to get out of here and we need to spend some bonding time together, so it seemed like the perfect solution. I'm going to go up to see Meg at the end of the month, but I needed something before then or I might really lose my mind.

I hate my job. I really do. I didn't mind it so much at first, but now... I hate computers, or at least the technical part concerned with them. I'm not too crazy about people either. By the end of the day, I just feel so lousy, so stressed that I'm ready to burst. Like I wasn't stressed enough, anyway.

Apparently the stone will be ready by Decoration Day. I guess that's important, but... A stone makes it real, final. Not that it already wasn't, but, denial is a beautiful thing.

Decoration Day is going to suck. Father's Day without my father. A day spent a lot of my relatives around (and not even the fun ones), and a visit to cemetery. Yeah, that sounds like a lot of fun, doesn't it?

This is one of those days, when I'm longing to just get away from it all. Run away from everything and become someone else. Or at least change myself in some irreversible way. I'm just so sick of my life.

Yep, this is definitely a black day. Maybe I'll try to write. This used to be the kind of mood that would produce some of my best pieces, when I was feeling dark and angsty then it was easy to write stories that were dark and angsty and that's what I do best. So maybe my muse will finally come to me and let me produce something worth while. It's not likely, but I might as well give it a shot.