Stuck

I've been informed by most of my friends that I need to get out of this town and that even includes one friend living in this town. I see the point, my existence isn't actually riveting or particularly healthy.

On the other hand, leaving is easier said than done. Whatever my friends might think, I do feel I have a responsiblity to my mother. I'm her only child, all she has in the world, how can I abandon her? I mean, I know I'm an adult and I'm entitled to my own life, but I feel a great responsibility to my mother.

I know I can't spend the rest of my life living with my mother (God help me), but whenever I think about leaving, I just feel guilty. It's only been 16 months since my father died, maybe I owe her more time. Just so she can move on her life, find fulfillment. I mean, she has a job she hates, a lot of bills, and a small town she's never been happy living in. How can I leave her to that?

On the other hand, how can I stay? This town is suffocating. Is is wrong to say I've outgrown it, that I need bigger and better things? Don't get me wrong, a part of me is alwyas going to belong here, but the rest of me is dying.

I've never felt that I was meant to spend my entire life here. Even at seven, I recognized that I was meant for life away from Castleton. That's how old I was when I decided I was going to live in Toronto some day and I do want that desperately, but I just feel so conflicted.

Of course, my mother did offer to move to Toronto with me, but I don't think that's a viable option. I mean, when I move to Toronto, it'll be my grab for freedom. My time to find out who I am and to assert my independance, I certainly can't do that with my mother there, can I?

I'll figure something out, I'm sure. Hopefully for the sake of my sanity, sooner rather than later. Or, I might just lose my mind.