Fear and Doubt

I have eleven days until my decision about what school I'm going to next year has to be made. I've been pondering it for weeks, honestly torn over what choice is the right one, which school is going to serve me best.

See, I have this feeling that this is do or die for me, if I don't suceed this time, then I never will. Just like I feel it's now or never, if I don't go now then I never will. That's a very frightening thought and it's weighing heavily on me.

After all, I've failed out once and last two weeks another time. I want to say it was because that it wasn't right for me then, but it's more than that. Part of it was me, I wasn't ready, I screwed up. Now I have to be ready, I have to give in a 100%.

I'm in a different place than I was four years ago. I was nineteen, fresh out of high school, and completely unready for life afterwards. I was spoiled, undiscplined, caught up in my own life, and unprepared. I'd never held a steady job and I'd gotten through high school on brains, not work ethic.

I know I'm more mature, I know I've changed in a lot of ways. Life has a way of doing that, after all. I've grown up a lot, I've held jobs, learnt a lot about myself, but... What if I still can't cut it? What if in the end, I'm destined to be a failure?

I know that's a horrible attitude to have, but in the back of my mind that thought's always there. It was made worse by comments that were made to me, but it was there before that and what if that person was speaking the truth? After all, what do I have to show for my life thus far? I'm unemployed, haven't had a relationship last more than a few months, and I live at home with my mother. There's a sucess story for you.

I still have no clue which school I'll choose and I'm terried that whatever decision I make, it'll be the wrong one, that I'll screw up again, because that's what I'm good at.

Oh, this is a depressing entry, it's what happens when I let my fears and doubts talk...