Hmm... Let's See...

So Mom and I had the future talk and she totally surprised me. She asked me why wait until the fall to move when I'm deadset on getting out of here. So I might move earlier than expected.

I'm thinking about it, planning for it. I want everything to be planned and right. No rushing head first into things for me anymore. Maybe I really have grown up.

Worked a full shift today, which is cool. I need to work more. Not that it wasn't totally boring, but... They still didn't send me home. Sigh.

Strange dreams. Weird creative bursts that produce things that don't make any sense. I'm experiencing both pretty constantly right now. The dreams aren't creepy or foretelling of death, so that's okay, but they are kinda strange. As for the creative bursts, they really are weird, but it's more than I've been getting these last months, so I'm not about to complain.

I need more sleep though. I've been running on too little sleep for too long. It's really starting to get to me. Even with the pills, I still don't sleep more than six hours. I miss the days when I slept for ten hours...

This and That

More driving lessons. I got to drive with other cars today, still went round and round in circles. But I'm getting there. I may actually get my liscence one of these days.

I wrote something last night. It wasn't great litterature, it was just a strange, short original story, but at least it was something. It was the first thing I've written in three months. I mean, I've written e-mails and blog enteries, but nothing creative. Last night was a break-through for me. Maybe my muse is coming back. I hope so.

My cousin's 4th birthday party is this afternoon. So, we'll be heading to that. Most of my family will be there. I have a large family, which is how I manage to have a cousin almost seventeen years younger than me. I have another twenty-one years older than me, though on the other side of my family.

There will always be babies in my family, which is cool. I like babies, even if I don't want any. I'm not Mama material, but I do enjoy getting to cuddle other people's babies and spoiling them. It requires less effort.

Anime North 2004

Well, I've had sleep, so now I'll go into more detail about A.N.

It was a blast. I think it was mainly the company, but this was one of the better years. We all had fun and we spent time together. Things seemed better than they had been for a while.

Dinner was also a lot of fun. We didn't go to the Japanese restaurant. Well, some people did, but most of us went to Kelsey's, which was fun. I mean, great variety of food, great music, and they were playing the hockey game, can you get any better?

I didn't buy much this weekend, just this pretty necklace. There wasn't much I wanted. Some years I've gone in with things in mind, but not so much this year.

The weekened wasn't perfect, I had a depressing moment. But, I have a lot of them these days, so, kinda par for the course. I have yet to go a few days without cracking at least a little, but these things take time, or so everyone tells me. But, besides that one incident, it was a great weekened.

Still, all great things must come to an end and I had to return home. To a job I hate and a house I can't stand being in. It took all of two hours for Mom and I to be at each other's throats, but what else is new?

I have to get out of there. I mean, I hate the idea of leaving her all by herself, but I can't stay much longer or I'll lose my mind. Really, I will. So, I'm starting to map out a plan that will get me out of Castleton by October. That would give Mom time to get on her feet and me some time to save up some more money and to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life.

My plan is getting more concise. I've mapped out financial limitations, have an idea of where I'd like to look for a place and I have all the stuff I need to apply for next January. I just need to decide what I want to take when I go back to school. I'm really thinking about it.

I've talked about getting away for years. About that mythical 'someday' when I'd move to Toronto. Well, that day's almost here. I've put a lot of thought into this. I'm not going to making any hasty decisions, or rush into anything. I'm going to make a very careful, methodical decision and it's going to be the right one for me. I think I'm finally ready.

Back Home

Anime North 2004 is officially over.

My fifth anime north and it defitinely ranks as one of the most fun. I had a really good time. I'm not sure if it was the con or the people, but it was really enjoyable.

I mean, it had it's moments, it always does. But, all in all, I had a good time. It was definitely what I needed. Not that getting away helped me completely escape my problems, but I knew it wouldn't. You can't run away from your pain. No matter how much you might want to.

I'm really tired. Per usual, sleep was limited, so... I need sleep. Badly.

Having No Internet Makes Me Cranky

My mouse broke. Litterally, it died, so I had to go a week without the internet. It's bad enough I only have access at my grandfather's, but to not have access at all... It made me want to scream.

Work is still seriously slow. I'm thinking about looking for another job... But, then I don't know how long I'll be down here. I have a lot of serious thinking to do.

Anime North is next week. Yea. I hope it will be fun. I'm not a 100% sure though. Last year wasn't the best, but maybe this year we'll go back to the way it used to be. I want that so badly.

Still, we're all pretty fractured these days. We're not as close as we once were, not by a long shot. So, I'm afraid of disaster, but, hey, maybe will will repair things a little. One can hope, right?

The Guy of My Dreams

The Leafs lost. So now they're out and it's over. It was heartbreaking. It's always heartbreaking. The problem with being a Leaf fan, I guess.

Oh, well, there's always next year.

Spending a lot of time with my thoughts lately. I still can't write anything of substance, so I've been doing a lot of thinking instead.

I've been thinking a lot about the 'perfect guy' or at least my dream guy. I mean I have the list of rules, but what do I really want? Besides the superficial (the whole height thing) things and the boundaries, what criteria do I have?

I've thought about it. I'd like someone nice and smart. Someone I could talk to. I mean, it would be a bonus if he was cute, but I'd rather have someone who really understood me, who I could have long talks with and share my feelings. Someone who could make me laugh and who make me feel better when I was down.

I'm not so much searching for the perfect guy, as for the right one. One who makes me feel special. I guess I'm lonely. Or maybe just ready. I've done the alone thing, I've learnt lots about myself, now I'd like to be part of something. I'd like to be with someone.

If only it was that easy, though. I mean first I have to find that person and I probably have to overcome my own personality. I'm insecure, I'm selfish, I'm spoiled and I don't let people get close. So, there's the number one criteria for the perfect guy, someone who can past all that. Who can see past the image I reflect and see the real me, the one I hide from the world. Someone who could do that and still want to be with me.

I wonder if I'll ever find him. I hope so.

Realizations

I came to a scary realization yesterday. I realized that I seriously disliked someone close to me because I was jealous of her. My cousin, we've never been friends, though she's nice to me and tries to be friendly, I still don't like her. I finally figured out why.

It's strange, it took me over twenty years to come to that realization. I was just thinking about it and that's why I don't like her. Because all my life I've felt I was in competion with her and that I was on the losing end. I felt that she was smarter, prettier, more accomplished. I just felt like I could never be as good as her. It drove me crazy, maybe it still does, I don't know...

I guess I have some self-esteem issues I need to work on, huh?

Other than that, life is life. Work is slow and boring. But, I get up and I go. Most days. Some days I hate my life. Not in like a suicidal way, but in a 'I want my old life back' kinda way. I'd give anything to have my life the way it was on February 20th, but that's not gonna happen, is it? Didn't think so.

Big family party this weekend. It was fun, in that awkward-sad kinda way. It was fun, but there were those moments when it hurt a lot. But most things are like that these days. No pain free days.

I'm thinking about banning the colour pink from my wardrobe. Though, I'd need a whole new wardrobe. I have too much pink. Seriously. I came to a realization that somewhere along the lines I became the 'pink girl' or maybe I've always been her, but that's still pretty scary. Besides, I don't feel like 'pink girl' anymore, I feel like 'black girl'. Maybe I'll dye all my clothes...

Nah, I think people would get a little too worried about me. So, I'll save that one. I'll just have to think of something else...