Grieving

I worked my first day of 8-4. This shift is going to kill me, really it is. I am not the kind of person who is cut out to be functional at 8 in the morning. Yuck. Oh, well, it's like being in high school again. Double yuck.

I've been thinking more about the past weekend. It was a lot of fun to have everyone out here. I really enjoyed it. I'm glad the idea came to me, I'm especially glad Tonya decided to come. I don't see enough of her.

We went to the cemetary since no one else had seen the stone yet. That was hard. Definitely a tense moment for all of us. Because the stone meant it was real. I still haven't really come to terms with that yet, seeing my father's name written in stone with the years 1956-2004 Too few years.

Also, it seems strange that a life can be summed up just like that 1956-2004. Birth year and death year, speaking nothing of all the years in betweeen. The important years. It made me think of the poem Lisa read at the funeral.

The Dash
By Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak
at the funeral of his friend.
He referred to the dates on the tombstone,
from the beginning...to the end.

He noted that first came the date of his birth,
and spoke of the second with tears.
But he said that what mattered most of all,
was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time,
that he spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved him,
know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own,
the cars, the house, the cash.
What matters is how we live and love,
and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard,
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know
how much time is left.
(You could be at "dash mid-range.")

If we could just slow down enough to consider,
what is true and what is real.
And always try to understand,
the way other people feel.

And...be less quick to anger,
and show appreciation more.
And love the people in our lives,
like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
and more often wear a smile.
Remembering that this special dash,
might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy is being read,
with your life's actions to rehash...
Would you be pleased with the things,
they have to say about how you spent your dash?

Because I took a moment to speak,
And you took a second to smile.
A tiny part of me will leave with you,
And a little bit of you will stay!

It summed up my father's life very well. She made a great choice with it. He lived his dash well. He lived every moment to the fullest, almost as if he expected it to end the way it did, in an instant. From a father, a husband, a son, a brother, a friend to a name on a grave. It happened to quickly.

I had a moment at the graveyard on Friday. I totally lost it at Menya's grave. I think everyone was startled, especially since I'd held it together pretty well at Daddy's, but...

With my father, the pain's still too fresh. I still won't let myself deal with it, which is why I've cried so little since the accident. Because I'm not ready to deal with the full pain, the full loss yet. And when I visit his grave, which is rarely, I make myself be strong, put walls around myself so that I don't fall apart, because if I do I'm afraid I won't stop.

So, I managed to keep it all together at Daddy's stone, but when I got to Menya's... I've had thee years to deal with her death, three years to accept the pain. But it still hurts when I think of the deal she got and just seeing her name on the storne and the numbers, then thinking about my father's name on his stone. I thought about how they're both gone, how I'll never see either of them again. And I just lost it. I lost it for Menya, because I'm not ready to lose it over my father's death.

I also didn't want to talk about it afterwards. I was kind of embarrassed for just falling apart like that. Besides, I didn't want to talk about the pain I feel when I think of Menya's death and of her last years or when I think of my father. I don't know how to put it into words. So, I spent a few minutes by myself, trying to pull myself together and then I started talking about other things, once I had calmed down and closed the door on my feelings for another day.