Times of Transition

I'm writing this from Toronto. I'm at Meg's right now and our traditional birthday/Halloween visit is just getting under way.

I'm in a strange, kind of angsty mood right now. Not that odd given my moods have been darker than usual this past year. But this isn't the usual angst, it's more about me than about my father. I just have some feelings of discontent, plus some other stuff which I'm confident will leave me in a few days.

The froth pit is gone. Tara deleted it. I, personally, was sad to see it go. Especially since I never got a chance to save any of the posts. I would have liked a personal archive, but what can you do? Out with the old, in with the new right?

I pierced my belly-button. Right now it's all red and swollen, but I'm sure in a few days it'll look awesome. I wasn't a fan of the pain though and am now convinced that body piercings aren't for me.

I needed to make some sort of change. A physical parting from the me that I am and the person I want to be. I have a lot of emotional changes I have to make and a few conversations I have to have with people before I get my life to the place I want it to be. I'm still working on it.

My family needs me these days. There's been a lot of death and illness this year. I'm starting to dread the sound of the telephone, as odd as that might sound for me. It's not been a great year.

I keep thinking of this time as a transition. Between my old life and the new one I will forge for myself. The emotional changes, the physical, the ones in my personal relationships, they're all steps towards my ultimate goal. I don't know when the transition will end, sooner than later I hope.

I think I'm finally ready for my new life. A few months ago, I wasn't. I was still clinging to the life I can't have back. I realize now that it's pointless. I can't have the life I had on February 20th and I don't want the life I have at this moment, so I just have to start working towards the life I do want.

First though, I'm just going to enjoy my weekend with Meg. I miss her so much since I see her so rarely. Besides, I love being in the city.

On a last, happy note. The Boston Red Sox won the World Series. After 86 years, the curse of the bambino is kaput. Didn't I say change was in the air?

Change Is In the Air

There's been a lot of in-fighting in the group these days. The frothpit is no more. Which is kind of sad. It's a change and I hate change. I really, really do.

There's been a lot of in my life this past year. Some good, some bad. It just seems nothing in my life is as it was a year ago. That's kind of strange all by itself. But that's life.

I went to the eye doctor today. The good news is my vision is pretty much the same as it was two years ago, so he doesn't think it'll continue deteriorating. The bad news is that my vision is currently 20/400, which is really bad. It's considered legally blind. Given that nine years ago it was 20/40, it's deteriorated big time, but apparently the deterioration has stopped, which is good.

What else is new? Oh, by putting things off for much too long, fate stepped in for me, which is great. I love it when happens randomly thing that. So that matter is settled at least as much as it is ever going to be. We're back to pretending it doesn't exist, which is probably the best course of action.

Lonely

Sometimes, I feel so lonely, so cut off from everyone else. I also feel like I'm falling and nobody can catch me.

Tonight's one of those nights, the ones when I'm on a thin edge. I tried calling someone, just hoping that hearing the voice of one of my best friends would help me feel better, but neither of them was home. There are other people I could call, but no one who would help the way either of them would. Sometimes I feel very alone.

This feeling of being cut-off from the rest of the world has been growing for a while. With the excpetion of weekly dinners with the boys, it seems I don't see or talk to anyone anymore. I mean, I know it's natural and that we're all busy, but it doesn't make me feel any less lonely.

This weekend is Thanksgiving and everybody's coming home, so maybe that'll make me feel better. Of course, it's a holiday, so probably not. On one hand, I'll have my friends around me, on the other hand I'll be dealing with another family occasion with Daddy, so... It kind of evens out.

I've taken up painting. You know boxes, figurines. It relaxes me, in a way even my writing doesn't. Of course my wriitng depends on the deeper, unhappier emotions of my soul and I have to delve into those emotions to write, so it probably wouldn't relax me, huh? I mean, my writing completes me, but it doesn't make me feel at piece. Painting does, the way drawing always did when I was little.

I hope this feeling of misery will pass when the weekends over, but... Who knows, right?