May 24th Weekend

So, May 2-4 is over. It was fun. Exhausting, but fun.

Friday Taela and I celebrated her birthday. We had pizza, drank and just laughed and were silly together which is always fun.

Saterday I went up to Toronto to hang with Meg. She, Phil, Mark and I all hung out on Saterday. Went shopping, spent $38 and got 2 pairs of jeans and 3 t-shirts (including an Ozzy Osborne one), which I definitly consider a good deal. After that, we went back to Meg and Phil's and then just drank and hung out and then went to the park for a little while. Definitly fun.

Sunday we all went to Chris'. It was fun, a little low-key and damp, but definitly fun. Hung out, drank a little, blew up some fireworks, that sort of thing. There was a fire, but the rain was a definite hinderance. Also, I was cold and it was wet, so I went inside and watched Desperate Housewives, eventually everyone else followed. Then, we played this cool game of Chris', which was a lot of fun, even if I did get my ass-kicked.

Today I came home and just sort of vegged, which was definitly needed. Also, Mom was starting to feel a little neglected since weekends are when we usually spend time together, so I spent some time with her.

All in all, it was a pretty good long weeknd. Not a great one, since I didn't feel all that hot all weekend, had a bit of a headache, also Saterday got off to a rough start because I learnt my neighbour died. He was in his 80s and he had cancer, but the news still hit me hard. Still, other than that, it was a good weekend.

Can't think of anything else new. Will update again when something interesting happens. May be a while.

Decision Made

So I made my decision about college. I chose Sir Sanford Fleming. Now, before anyone jumps on me, it was my decision. In the end, I made it without telling anyone. Yes, it was what my mother wanted, but she would have been just as happy with Brantford.

Honestly, there was no decision I could make that could please everyone, so I decided not to try and please anyone, but just do what was best for me, Michelle.

I sat down and I thought about what was best for me and that was Fleming. Baby steps. I’m not living at home, but I’m close enough to visit fairly often. I need that, because whatever problems I have with my mother, we are close and I know I’d need to see her a fair bit.

I know I had some of the same reasons for choosing Loyalist and I was miserable, but it’s not the same. I’m in a different mental place and a lot of what happened at Loyalist, well it was outside stuff that I just allowed to take over. Also, for all that I was close to home, I still had no friends there with me, didn’t really have anyone close by who I could lean on--which I might need.

However, Taela’s sisters will be in Peterborough, even if she might not be, I have family there, I know it really well and I feel comfortable there. It’s a good place to go for a year, to get myself back on my feet. This year is going to be a huge test for me and I guess I just think Fleming is the best environment for that. Also, it’s a good program with a curriculum I like. It’s only one year which I find is a plus. It just felt right.

I put a lot of thought into this, telling myself not to choose Fleming, because I assumed I’d be doing it for the wrong reasons. But, I kept drifting back there, it kept popping into my mind and eventually I realized that it was what I wanted.

9 Lists...

9 Lasts:
-last place you were: downstairs
-last soda: Pepsi.
-last beverage: Pepsi.
-last kiss: April.
-last movie seen: Theatre? Chronicles of Narnia. General? Walk the Line.
-last cd played: Who's Next.
-last bubble bath: A few months, at least.
-last time you cried: Last night. Just got mopey.

8 Have You Evers:
-have you ever dated someone twice: Like two dates? Or broken up and then gotten back together later? Because the answer to both is yes.
-have you ever kissed somebody and regretted it: Yes, as soon as the Vodka wore off...
-have you ever fallen in love: No.
-have you ever been depressed: Yes.
-have you ever been arrested: No.
-have you ever ate so much you've throw up? Yes!
-have you ever hit another person: Yes.
-have you ever cheated on a partner: No.

7 Place You Want to Go:
- London
- Paris
- Rome
- Boston
- New York City
- P.E.I
- Sydney

6 Things You've Done Today:
- Woke up
- Had lunch
- Went to a school concert thingy
- Went for a Walk
- Checked my e-mail
- Talked on the Phone

5 Favorite Things to Do:
- Reading
- Writing
- Listening to music
- Being with my friends
- Sleeping

4 Favorite Colors:
- Pink
- Blue
- Black
- White

3 People You Can Tell Anything:
- Meg
- Taela
- Tara

2 Things You Want to Do Before You Die:
- Have children.
- Write a novel.

1 Thing You Regret: No regrets, each experiences teaches you something.

Word Associations

First reaction questionaire
Type your FIRST REACTION when you hear these 35 words (don't spend time thinking - just your gut reaction please):

1. I need a cigarette: Not right now.
2. Sex: Is good.
3. Relationships: Don't last.
4. Your Last Ex: Ugh.
5. Power: Corrupts.
6. Marijuana: Always good.
7. Crack: Never good.
8. Food: Pizza.
9. This President: Dumbass.
10. War: Death.
11. Cars: Nessecity of life.
12. Gas Prices: Insane.
13. Halloween: Costumes.
14. Bon Jovi: Livin' On A Prayer.
15. Religion: Is personal.
16. MySpace: Fun.
17. Worst Fear: Losing someone I love.
18. Marriage: Forever.
19. Fashion: Clothes.
20. Brunettes: Dark hair.
21. Redheads: Freckles.
22: Work: No thanks.
23: Pass the time: Writing.
24: Football: Sundays.
25: One night Stands: Not for me, thanks.
26: Pet Peeve: Nothing.
27: Pixie Stix: Yummy!
28: Vanilla Ice: Ice, Ice Baby.
29: Porta Potties: Ewww.
30: High school: I'm glad it's over.
31: Pajamas: Comfy.
32. Wood: Fire.
33. Surfers: I wanna learn...
34. Picture: Memories.
35. First Love: Never dies.

There, 35 word associations for me.

Fear and Doubt

I have eleven days until my decision about what school I'm going to next year has to be made. I've been pondering it for weeks, honestly torn over what choice is the right one, which school is going to serve me best.

See, I have this feeling that this is do or die for me, if I don't suceed this time, then I never will. Just like I feel it's now or never, if I don't go now then I never will. That's a very frightening thought and it's weighing heavily on me.

After all, I've failed out once and last two weeks another time. I want to say it was because that it wasn't right for me then, but it's more than that. Part of it was me, I wasn't ready, I screwed up. Now I have to be ready, I have to give in a 100%.

I'm in a different place than I was four years ago. I was nineteen, fresh out of high school, and completely unready for life afterwards. I was spoiled, undiscplined, caught up in my own life, and unprepared. I'd never held a steady job and I'd gotten through high school on brains, not work ethic.

I know I'm more mature, I know I've changed in a lot of ways. Life has a way of doing that, after all. I've grown up a lot, I've held jobs, learnt a lot about myself, but... What if I still can't cut it? What if in the end, I'm destined to be a failure?

I know that's a horrible attitude to have, but in the back of my mind that thought's always there. It was made worse by comments that were made to me, but it was there before that and what if that person was speaking the truth? After all, what do I have to show for my life thus far? I'm unemployed, haven't had a relationship last more than a few months, and I live at home with my mother. There's a sucess story for you.

I still have no clue which school I'll choose and I'm terried that whatever decision I make, it'll be the wrong one, that I'll screw up again, because that's what I'm good at.

Oh, this is a depressing entry, it's what happens when I let my fears and doubts talk...

College Considerations

I'm trying to make that difficult decision about which school to go to. The final decision has to be made by May 15th and in theory this a decision that's going to influence my entire life. So, it's not one that can be made lightly.

Now, there's the added bonus that everyone in my life has an opinion about it. Not in a bad way, but my friends and my family, they all have suggestions and such, which makes sense since they do care about me. Part of me just wishes that this was a subject no one else cared about.

I've narrowed my decision down from five schools to three. It's down to Mohawk, Sir Sanford Fleming and Senecca. However, that's where it gets difficult, all the schools have their pros and cons.

So, I've thought I'd go through the factors, one by one, maybe see if I can come up with a good basis for a decision.

Location: Each as their own advantage when it comes to location. Senecca's in Toronto, near all my friends. Fleming is close to home. Mohawk is near my cousin. Personal preference is with Toronto, but there are other factors to consider.

Cost: The tuition price is the same pretty much, but living costs would obviously be highest in Toronto. Also, there's the factor that in Toronto, I'd be in a more uncertain situation about finding an apartment/roomate.

Curriculum: The big factor and the one that it'll probably come down to, in all honesty. After all, what I study is pretty important.

Mohawk:
Semester One:
Success Strategies
Grammar & Communications
Society, Technology & Social Issues
Psychology
Sociology
Anthropology
Semester Two:
Literature
Issues In Health And Healing
Race & Ethnic Dynamics
Canadian Politics
Sociology 2
Developmental Psychology

A few interesting courses: Race & Ethic Dynamic, Canadien Politcs, and Literature, all sound interesting, but otherwise there's too many 'ologies', too much science-y stuff, things that have zero interest to me at all and thus I'm going to have a harder time caring about and a harder time passing. So, I'll compare the first year of each program.

Fleming:
Semester One:
Classic and Early Modern Philosophy
Critical Approaches to Literature in English I
Critically Aware Thinking
Introduction to Psychology: Principle of Behavior
Language Composition
Sociology I: An Introduction
Semester Two:
Advanced Composition
Applied Research and Portfolio Development
Critical Approaches to Literature in English II
Introduction to Psychology: Dynamics of Behavior
Modern Philosophy
Sociology II: Mass Media

Again with the 'ologies', though at least the Sociology course looks interesting. The problem is, I hated both psychology and sociology when I took them at Loyalist. That said, I was in a mindset to dislike any course I took at the time, I was not in a proper place for studying. Philosphy looks good and the Literature courses probably won't bore me.

Senecca:
Semester One:
College English
Humanities: The Development of Western Thought I
Introuction to Computers and Applications
Learning, Thinking and Problem Solving
Critical Thinking I
Math Course (one of 3 choices)
Semester Two:
Acedemic Research and Writing
Basic Conversational French or Conversational Spanish for Beginners
Humanities: The Development of Western Thought II
Introduction to Social Sciences
Critical Thinking II
General Education Option (Literature)

Not crazy about having to take a language course--if you saw my high school French marks, you'd understand. It's also the only program where I have to take Math, also not high on my list. But I like the Humanties courses.

On pure curiculum, first year alone, I think I like Fleming best, followed by Seneca and then Mohawk a distant third.

All in all, I think I still have a lot to consider before I make my decision, even if time is quickly running out. Less than a month to go. Eek.