23

So today is my 23rd birthday.

Had a pretty low-key day. Went to see my grandpa and then talked on the phone with Taela for about two hours. It was nice, just like old times. We're going out on Friday to celebrate my birthday, since she can't make my party.

Most of my celebrations will be on Saterday, since that's when I'm having my party. An Evening of Murder thing, which I think will be a lot of fun. I wanted to do something a little different this year. After all we can sit around and drink lots of times, I just thought we should do something different, besides there will be time for sitting around and drinking after the game.

Mom and I went to Kelseys for dinner which was nice. The food was good and it was nice spending the time with my mom. It's not something we do very often.

So all in all, I had a pretty good day and my celebrating isn't over since I'll be doing so on both Friday and Saterday... Yay! More birthday fun for Michelle!

Most Annoying and Endearing Things About Michelle

So, for the last little while I've been asking everyone I know to tell me my most endearing and most annoying personality traits. Honestly, I've just been curious as to what it is that people like about me and what I do to annoy them. I was a little surprised that it all seemed to come down to two things, though phrased in different ways.

Most annoying trait was that I talk too much. As I said, different people put it different ways. Some commented on my tendancy to talk just for the sake of talking, others about the volume or the fact that I tend to repeat myself. But it all comes down to the same thing, I do talk too much. I know that, my friends know that, Hell I think people who've never even met me know that. Still, it is something I should probably work on.

The problem is, I don't like silence. I just don't know how to cope with it, I never have. So, I talk. Especielly when I'm nervous, then I tend to babble. I just need to figure out how to be more comfortable with silence I guess.

The most endearing trait in the (probably somewhat biased) opinion of my friends is that I'm a nice person. Again, it was phrased different ways. I was praised for being non-judgmental, sweet-natured, optimistic and honestly interested in other people. I guess, that's a pretty good thing, that people seem to think I'm a nice person.

See, the odd thing is, that while I definitly agree that I talk too much, I've never seen myself as all that nice. I can be bitchy and gossip, as well as a spoiled brat. I do like people, especially children, and I'd do anything for my friends, but at the end of the day sometimes I'm still not sure how nice I am. Though, I guess I'm glad that other people see me as nice.

I asked the question of myself and came up with different answers than my friends. The quality I hate most about myself? The fact that I worry too much. I obsess about every little thing and I don't know how to stop it. I analyze things over and over in my head and go over them until I'm about to drive myself insane. I affects how I deal with people and usually leaves me feeling pretty miserable inside. That's definitly the first thing I'd change about myself, though I agree I do talk too much.

What do I like best about myself? That's a hard one for me to answer. I spend a lot more time focusing on the negative than the positive, which I think is perfectly normal. Maybe the fact that I can keep a level head in a crisis. Oh, I'll freak out over minor things all right, but when it comes down to the major things I am able to handle it and then freak out. Or at least, so expereience has shown so far.

I Hate Surprises

People have asked me why I hate surpises so much and given me a hard time about the fact that I react negativitly when people keep things from me, even when I know they want it to be a surprise.

I need my information up front. I need time to process things and I hate being the last to be told anything. A lot of it goes back to the fact that my parents often kept things from me "for my own protection" and I always found out by accident and was totally unprepared. So when that happens now, even if it's good news, I automatically freak out.

When I was 13, my cousin Menya was diagnosed with breast cancer. My parents (mainly my mother) decided I didn't need to know and decided to keep the news from me. I admit, I was young--but old enough to know that they were keeping something, so it only made me suspicious. Then, I overheard part of a telephone conversation and part of a conversation between my father and aunt, it was then that I demanded to know what was going on.

I was naturally devastated and the idea that they had kept it from me and weren't going to tell me until they absoloutly had to bothered me. I felt (and I still believe) that I had the right as a member of the family to know what was going on.

My mother did this to me many, many times over the years, keeping things from me because she thought it was best. I know this isn't the same as a friend wanting to surpirse me, but I hate being caught off guard.

On the flip side, I like anticipation. If there's a party coming or something like Christmas, then I love the waiting. In fact, I think that's the best part. I don't like opening my presents early (I always want to, but it does take some of the thrill off). I think the difference is that even if I don't know what my present is, I know it's there.

Yet, even the good surprises, when they're truly a surprise and I don't know they're coming, throw me completly off guard and upset me. I just don't like having things thrown at me out of left field, good or bad, and I hate the idea that people were keeping something from me, whether its good news or bad.

Maybe, it's weird, but well, I can't help it. I'm weird, live with it. And if you value your life don't ever throw me a surprise party, because I can guarantee a negative reaction. I would be likely to scream or throw up or freak out. So, just don't do it.

Michelle's Northern Adventures, Day Four

Well, I'm back. I went North and I made it back in one piece, more or less. I'm actually kinda missing my voice, since I seem to have come down with a mild case of laryngitis and I keep losing my voice. Not fun.

Last night, we stayed in Larder Lake with Andrew's (my cousin's husaband) aunt and uncle. I ended up sitting up and talking with his cousin for about two hours, even though my voice was already starting to go. We're close in age and we had a lot in common, so that was nice.

This morning we had breakfast there, really yummy blueberry pancakes, and then headed out. We managed to get ahead of the huge storm that brewing, which was good because a small tornado hit Larder Lake after we left. Luckily, we were gone by then, because that would not have been fun.

The drive was long, we stopped for lunch and then at a park later, so that the kids could run off some energy, but it was still a draining experience. Which might be why I slept for a good part of it. What can I say, I'm like a big kid.

My only complaint is that I went North and I didn't see a moose. I got a stuffed moose and I saw moose warning signs and a few pictures of mooses, but no moose. Sigh.

We're home now, or rather back in Brantford, and in a few days (Friday), I'll be home home. Which'll be nice, since I'll have been gone almost three weeks by then. Still, for all that it was a really long drive, it was definitly worth it.

Even if I didn't get to see a moose. Oh, well, I guess I'll just have to do it again sometime, hmm?

Michelle's Northern Adventures, Day Two and Three

So, I didn't have access to a computer yesterday, so no update. Instead, I'll write about both yesterday and today.

Yesterday, we left Larder Lake for Timmins and the wedding. We stopped for a few pictures, such as the "From this Point on All Water Flows North" sign and the "Welcome to South Porcupine" sign. I just thought those were worth documenting.

We arrived in Timmins about noon, time to check into the hotel and get ready for the wedding. I wore a dress, well a long skirt and matching top. Very elegant. The wedding was nice, as far as weddings go. It was really hot in the church, though, which makes me think if I ever get married it won't be in July.

After the wedding, we went back to the hotel and the others went swimming while I took a quick nap, then it was time for the reception. Whihc was a lot of fun. The food was good, Chinese, and Andrew's family was very warm and welcoming, not making me feel at all like an outsider. Which was nice.

At about ten, I headed back to the hotel and watched over the boys, who were already asleep, and basically just mellowed out, which was nice.

Today we checked out of the hotel and then we spent the afternoon visiting Andrew's relatives, who were again made me feel welcome. Very, very nice people. Then, we drove back to Larder Lake, where we'll stay tonight before heading back to Brantford tomorrow. It's been an interesting journey so far.

Michelle's Northern Adventures, Day One

I'm writing this from a laptop in Larder Lake, which is two hours South of Timmins, which is tomorrow's destination. So far my trip up North is off to a pretty good start.

Day One of Michelle's trip North, actually started last night when we got on the road at about 11:00 and drove to Barry, where we pulled off and stayed the night in a motel. Two grown women and a three year old in a double bed. Not a lot of fun. But it was certainly an experience.

This morning we took off from Barry on our journey North. Most of the day was spent in the car. Northern Ontario is a lot greener and a lot less developed than what I'm used to, but very, very pretty. My cousin and her husband kept pointing out noteworthy sites to me and promised that on the way back we'd stop so I could get pictures.

In Temagani we stopped for special Temagani ginger ale, which I had been assured by Andrew, was the best in the world. I'm not much of a ginger ale fan, but it was awesome, and the cream soda was even better. Too bad you can only get it up North.

Erica also gave me my birthday present, a stuffed moose which I promptly named Morris. This is because I headed North with a detirmination to see a moose, this way no matter waht happens, I won't be disapointed. Morris is very cute, but I still want to see a real moose.

We arrived in Larder Lake around 4:30 and were greeted by Andrew's relatives and a little while later, we sat down to a wonderful supper. Then, we went out on the pontoon boat, which was awesome. The lake was gorgeous and I took lots of picture, both of the lake and of the boys, who were super cute. I even got to drive the oat for a few minutes, which was slightly terrifying.

Now, we're in for the night and I'm taking the time to update my trip diary. I'll try to do so for every day of my trip. However, while I will have limited internet access and will be trying to update my blog and check my e-mail every day, but I won't have any access to MSN, so if you need to get a hold of me or just want to say hi, send me an e-mail, since that will be the only way to get a hold of me.

More tomorrow and maybe I'll get to see a moose...

Good Look At Myself

I got upset over something today (it doesn't matter what) and then realized, that I was guilty of doing the exact same thing to other people. It was sort of a wake up call. I'm not always a very nice person.

So, my vow is to try and be a better person and a better friend. Sometimes I'm petty, shallow and perhaps even mean. I can also be a gossip. At least, I'm honest about it, right? Still, that doesn't make any better and I'm going to try and change.

Maybe that's the cause of my current unhappiness. Maybe it's rooted in an unhappiness with myself, not in those around me. Maybe my problem is that I don't always like what I see in the mirror and no, I'm not talking about my physical appearance.

So, I'm going to work on being someone I can like better. Maybe that'll help the unhappiness go away. It can't hurt, right?

Fragile

Normally, I would consider myself a fairly strong person, but lately I've been feeling weak. Not in the physical sense, but in the emotional sense. I just don't feel like I can cope sometimes, which is odd because my life isn't anymore stressful now than normal, not that that's saying a lot.

I don't know, I just can't find the strength to fight, nor do I really want to, since I'm not fond of confrontation. Besides, I'm just taking it all into myself and obsessing over it and finding myself getting more and more fragile. It's like I'm about to break any minute and that's not a good feeling.

That feeling of vulnerability and of lonliness isn't a good one for me, as usually it means I do stupid things in my need to feel whole again. I just need the comfort, the reassurance that I'm not alone and I guess I seek to feel part of something.

Luckily for me, I have great friends and a wonderful family. I have been people who I can tell I need to escape and they give me a place to run too. That's a good feeling, to know that there are people who will help pick up the pieces if you crumble.

Still, as much as I'm glad for the support, I wish I didn't need it. This didn't use to be me. I never used to have to lean on people so hard, never used to feel so fragile, so easily broken. What's happening to me?