February

It's February. My least favourite month of the year. I've always hated February, it's just so bleary and depressing.

Last year, February took on a whole new horrible meaning for me. It's a month that will always remind me of my father. After all, he was both born and died in February.

This year, February represents the last lag in the morning cycle. I've faced every other first and now I have to conquer this, the first February. The only firsts I have left are ahead of me.

In two days it'll be what would have been my dad's birthday. Then that weekend is superbowl Sunday, when we would have celebrated his birthday (since he loved football so much). Then, two weeks later it'll have been an entire year since my life fell apart.

The closer the 21st gets, the harder it is to cope. I just feel like I'm going to fall apart. It's just so much harder than I thought it would be. I don't know, I guess I always imagined that after almost a year it would be a little easier, that I would have begun to move on.

No, it still hurts as much it always did. I still miss him like crazy. I'm still so angry that he's gone. I just want my old life back, the one I had a year ago.

But since I can't have that, then I want February to be over already. I want to have gotten through the hard days and be able to say that I survived. I just want it to all be over.