Spoiled

I've been thinking a lot about my childhood lately. It wasn't an easy childhood, by any means, but it wasn't hard. In a lot of ways it was idyllic, just like in a lot of ways it wasn't. But the ways that it wasn't were all under the surface, things that couldn't be easily detected unless you were there.

But for all the bad things, I did have a happy childhood. I had parents who loved me very much and who spoiled me. I never really thought of myself as spoiled until I grew older and realized just how lucky I was. See, I was spoiled in two ways.

First, materially. Growing up I tended to get what I wanted. If I asked for something, I usually got it. In fact, it was only recently that I began to realize how much my parents (mainly my mother) sacrificed for that to be possible. She never went out, never bought new clothes, rarely bought anything for herslef. She did everyting for me instead.

My mother bent over backwards to make sure my childhood wasn't lacking in anything. She wanted to give me everything. A lot of that was because of the way she had grown up.

My parents came from drastically differnet backgrounds, making their reactions to things very different. My mother grew up in poverty. One of eight children, she often felt what it was like to go hungry at night or to never feel warm in the winter. They also moved a lot, leaving her to fear for the roof over her head.

That fear never left her. Even as an adult, she's always terrified of being that poor again. Though, the experience gave her a strength and a practicality that was especailly useful dealing with my father over the years.

But it also made her determined that my childhood would be different. That I'd have everything that she never did. Sometimes, she went a little overboard, which is why I took so many lessons. She was also overprotective and smothering, but I was the #1 priority in her life and I always knew that.

My father... He loved me. Not in the same way my mother did, but he did love me very much. It was just that when I was a small child I wasn't that interesting too him. He was there for the important moments (i.e-hollidays) and for summers and weekends. He taught me to play baseball and to waterski. He just alwyas put himself and his enjoyment first, where as my mother put me first.

Not that he didn't spoil me too. He did. Most of my childhood memories of my father involve him spoiling me in some way. Bringing me home a new doll or whisking me off for a Daddy/daughter day (which always involved me getting new toys) or givng me candy. In fact most of the candy I got in my childhood was because of my father, my mother had a strict no candy during the week rule, which my father ignored. He never liked rules.

My father was in his own way as much of a spoiled brat as I am. He was the late life baby of wealthy parents with two much older sisters. He was spoiled and adored his entire life, given whatever he wanted. His childhood had his downsides and left him with demons that nothing could vanquish and one of those probelems was that he grew to expect that there'd always be someone there to clean up his mess. He wasn't very good at responsibility and he had always gotten whatever he wanted handed to him. Not that great for character.

Still, he was detirmined that I'd enjoy my childhood just like he did, so he indulged me too. Those two very different backgroudns produced the same mutual need for me to be as happy and content as possible. So they spoiled me with material things.

They also spoiled me in another way. With love. You can be given everything, but not love, and you'll be a neglected child. Material things don't make up for affection. But I never lacked that. My parents were always there for me, they always loved me.

A lot of people disaproved of some of their parenting techniques. For example, I did no chores growing up. They both thought that I should enjoy my childhood, that and my mom honestly liked doing thigns for me. She still does.

As an adult, I wonder if they did me some great diservice by always giving into me which produced a spoiled, wilful streak (and some amazing tantrums). By not giving me any responsibility (though I had other people willing to make me do chores, so I did learn). They just indulged me and I'm the first to admit I have some very unpleasant personality traits. I'm still a bit of a spoiled brat, though nowhere as bad as I used to be. Life makes you grow up, spoiled brat or not.

The worst part is, I never really appreciated how good I had it. I thought a lot about the bad things and they were real and serious. But I never gave enough credit to the good things and that I was lucky in a lot of ways. Even if I am an ungrateful little brat.