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This weekend has really sucked. Well, most of it. Shopping with the boys and Jamie was fun, but the rest of it. Well, let's just say that I don't think this is a weekend I'd live over.

First, there was the stuff with my friends. That wasn't fun. Seeing the damage that has been done. I honestly which I could stay everyone's friend, but I don't think that's going to happen, so... I made the choice that I hate to make and let the chips fall where they may.

I've decided that since I hate it when other people beat around the bush, that I'm going to stop doing it. In the past, I've made too much of a habit of making vague references and never naming names. In some cases, I did it because I believed the person involved would prefer it that way, but others it was because I was afraif of how someone would react. I'm not going to let that motivate me. Besides, I really have no idea who reads this anyway.

So, since I'm being honest, I'm going to say that the decision to let go of my friendship with Emery is painful. He's been my friend for a long time and a part of me really wants to stay his friend, but I just don't think that's possible right now. I have to stand behind those who have always stood behind me.

I was blindsided by most of what has happened. I knew it had gotten bad, but I didn't know just how bad. I mean, for me, it's weird, since I've been the outsider in all this. To be perfectly honest, no one has done anything to me, per say. But when you hurt my friends, you hurt me. Also, since people started trying to sway my opinion, then obviously they meant for me to get involved. I'd love to stay neutral, if it was possible, but it's not.

That painful mess aside, my weekend sucked for other reasons. When I got home last night, I felt pretty bad and wanted someone to lean on. Taela was at work and my mom wasn't home, most of my other friends are more invovled in the mess than I a, so are taking it a million times harder, as they should. Anyway, the next person I thought of calling surprised me. For a moment, I was really tempted to pick up the phone and call James, which is kind of odd. In the end I decided against it, but I still think it's weird that that thought even crossed my mind.

I really confuse myself sometimes. I think I want one thing, then in the heat of the moment I decide I want something else. When I have that thing, I decide I want the first thing. I can never make up my own mind. Maybe, that's one of my problems.

To make things even better, Mom was half an hour late picking me up from work. The weather was awful and when she got there, I was really bitchy to her. It wasn't until about ten minutes later that I started crying and admitted why I was so upset.

When she was late and I was standing there watching hte snow fall, the only thing I could think about was 'what if she's dead'. What if the same thing that happened to my father, happened to her? What would I do then? What would why do if I lost her? It's so terrifying.

A year ago, I worried, like everyone, but I wasn't filled with the paralyzing fear that I feel now. But now I know how bad it can be when someone isn't where they said they'd be. I'm still recovering from that nightmare come to life and I'm scared every day, that I'll have to go through it all over again. I can't lose my mom. She's all I have in the world. If I lose her, I'm completely alone and that terrifies me.

I'm glad this weekend is over. As far as my emotions go, this weekend wasn't that much fun. In fact, it really sucked.