Friendships Lost

I'm a deeply loyal person. The budding astrologist in me, credits that with me being a Leo, but I might have just gotten from my parents since they always taught me that loyalty was a key ingredient in friendship.

Because of my deep loyalty to the people I love, I hate giving up on people. I'll stick with someone for as long as I can, as long as I believe I have some reason, may it only be past behavior, to stick around. But eventually, there comes a point when you have to accept there's no point in hanging on.

For me, that's an incredibly hard decision to make and an incredibly painful one. It's also something I consider drastic measures and will only do if I think I absoloutley have to.

Several years ago, I reached that point with several of my Castleton friends. It came to the point where that crowd and some of those people was just slowly destroying me, so I cut my losses. It wasn't an easy decision, but it was the best one for my mental health. I kept some friendships and wrote off others, as well as distancing myself from the group as a whole.

Now, I've come to the point where I have to do it again. This time with someone who's been a good friend for a long time and the idea of not having this person in my life hurts, but there's nothing I can do to salvage the friendship. This person is just not someone I can be around right now and that really hurts, but it's something I have to accept.

When all the shit started to hit the fan with my friends, I wanted to stay neautral and for a while it worked. But it's come to the point where I had to pick a side and there was really only one side I can pick. As I said, I'm a loyal person and I have to give my loyalty to the friend who's never done anything but stand by me in all the time that I've known her. After all, I know she'd side with me.

I'm so full of emotion. Anger, disgust, confusion, sadness. I'm trying to keep a tight lid on it, but it's hard. A part of me wants to go hit something (or somebody), another part wants to scream and throw things, a third part just wants to cry, and the fourth part wants to go hide somewhere until all the bad things go away. I'm not sure which impulse is the healthiest.

In the end, the only thing I can do is stand behind the conviction that I made the right choice and pray that somehow things work out someday. I doubt it'll happen soon, but maybe someday. Who knows, right?