Christmas Eve

It's Christmas Eve. I've found that no matter how hard I try, the closer it gets to actually being Christmas, the unhappier I get. I just miss my dad so much and the idea of him not being there tomorrow... It's too damned hard to even put into words.

Still, I'm trying my hardest to be happy and joyful. I mean, I do have things to be thankful for. I have my mom and all the rest of my family, as well as wonderful friends. And though it's not Christmas yet, I've already gotten some awesome presents.

For me giving really is better than recieving, I love to see people's reactions to the presents I bought them, but getting is still pretty good. I feel good about the presents I bought my friends and there reactions, I think I did a pretty good job of getting people things they'd like and people did a pretty good job of knowing what I'd like.

For example, Taela got me the movie I wanted, but she also got me a Batgirl Barbie! How perfect is that? I love Batgirl, the original Batgirl, that is, Barbara Gordon. When I was little that's who I wanted to grow up to be. So that's a pretty awesome present, just shows you how well Taela knows me.

The rest of my presents from my friends were just as good. I got a hamster that played 'Oh Canada' and wore a Team Canada Jersey from Meg. How cute is that? I also got some art stuff. I thought that was pretty cool. Ben gave me a little Teddy Bear in a Darcy Tucker Jersey (naturally) and Ty gave me a Sarah McLachlan DVD, which proves they know me pretty well too.

I did really well in the present department already and I haven't even opened anything from my mom yet. But it's not what I got so much, as the fact that people knew what to choose to give me. That means more, really.

Still, despite all the great gifts I've already gotten, I'm still a little down. I'd give up every present I'll get this year to have my dad back, but I think everyone already knew that. There's nothing in the world that makes up for him being gone and Christmas without him is just so Damned hard.

Tonight we're going to my godparents. Mom and I debated whether or not we should go without him, but in the end Mom decided that we should. So, we'll go and I'm sure we'll have fun, but I'm sure we'll notice the one who's missing. Who'll never be here again. Just like I'm sure we'll notice him tomorrow and on Sunday when my maternal family gets together.

It won't be the same without him. But then, nothing is.