Secrets and Risks

I hate surprises. I really, really do. Secrets, anything like that, I'm not a fan. I hate being the last to know anything. I like being prepared, good or bad.

The reason I didn't totally lose it the night Daddy died was because I ahd some preparation. A half an hour of not knowing for sure where I could prepare myself for the possibility. If I had been blind-sided, I don't think I could have handled it.

I don't like pleasant surprises, either. If I have a choice of having something sprung on me or being prepared, I'd rather be told right away without very much drama. Especially if it's something important or about someone important to me.

I also have a hard time going after I want. I'm terrified of rejection. The very thought makes me sick to my stomach. So, I don't always go after what I want, I let it come to me and if it doesn't, I pine and mope, but I rarely do anything about it.

The idea of doing something about it terrifies me. Even when I know I have to put myself out there or I won't get what I want. I just can't take the risk, the fear of getting hurt is just too big. I can take physical risks, those don't bother me, but I can't put my emotions on the line.

I want to be happy, but I'm afraid to take the crucial step. I refuse to take the risks that lead to the great rewards. Deep down, I'm a coward. I hate that about myself, but I don't know how to change it.

Well, that's not true, I need to take a leap of faith, I'm just not sure how. It can be pretty frightening. The worst part is, my father wouldn't understand. He was never afraid of rejection, he just put himself out there. I can't do it.

But maybe sometimes you just have too...