Tradtion

fishing
Originally uploaded by Misha726.

My father and friends at one of many fishing parties sometime in the early 90s.

This picture seems to have been taken early in the morning, as things were winding down. It's impressive that there all still, standing, huh?

My father is sitting in his usual spot. Every year you could find him by the skids, a drink in hand and a crowd of people around him.

Isn't it the funny the things that linger in the memory?

The Fishing Party

One thing I've learnt from living it a small town is that traditions are importnat. At least in this partuclar town. Your year is planned around specific events that happen every year and which can't be missed.

For years and years Castleton held a street dance, always one of the social highlights of the year. Basically, we'd shut off main street for the day, hold a barbecue and corn roast and dance on the sreet. Always fun, but it got cancelled a few years back because the underage drinking got out of control. This is Castleton after all.

Still, there are other yearly events in Castleton that are just as anticipated and tonight is one of them. The fishing party.

Every year, on the first night of fishing season, my godfather holds a party. It starts at midnight, as fishing season officially begins. It's been going on longer than I can remember and is held at the pond that used to belong to his mother and now belongs to his son.

It's one of the highlights of my year. I know, it doesn't really sound like my thing. Standing around in the cold and the dark watching people fish and get drunk. But it's a lot of fun, maybe because everyone's in a great mood.

I've been going for years and years. When I was little and too young to go to the party, my father would go party all night and then at 6 a.m he'd come get me and we'd go fish after everyone else had passed out. Not that I ever caught anything, but...

Then, when I was about 9, my parents and Jim and Anne decided that Jesse and I were old enough to start going to the party at midnight. A couple of the other children in our group went as well, but the main discussion was about Jesse and I.

From that point on, it was something I looked forward to every year. I've only missed two. 2000 because I was seriously grounded. Like house arrest kind of grounded. And I missed 2003 because I was just totally beat and didn't feel up to it. If only I had known that that would be my father's last fishing party...

For me, fishing parties were always something we did together, especialyl since my mother never went. She's not crazy about the great outdoors. It was father/daughter bonding and it's just so hard to think of a fishing party without him. But this'll be my second.

Last year was hard, there's no denying that. He'd been dead only two months and it was one of the first firsts I had to go through. And it was just so strange, I kept thinking he should be there and for a moment forgetting that he was gone. I'm sure that this year, I'll still feel his absence, but that can't be helped.

Still, despite the fact that I'm sure I'll be a little sad, I'm really looking forward to tonight. It's bound to be fun, espeically now that I've been haning with Jesse and his crew so much lately. Last year, I felt a little awkward because for the first time I didn't know as many of the people since it was a lot of Jesse's friends and I hadn't hung out with him in a long time so I didn't know very many of them. But now, I hang out there all the time, so...

Of course there is a little bit of residual awkwardness with stupid males. But hey, if he bugs me, this time I've got an entire pond at my disposal. Now isn't that a nice thought?

Bad Person or Just A Coward?

Do you ever wonder if you're a good person? Sometimes, I wonder if I am. Usually, I think I'm pretty good--certainly not evil, but occasionally I'm not so sure.

If you knew someone who's work had caught fire when they were there, wouldn't you call to just make sure they weren't traumatized? Especially if it was someone you had known a long time. It's the decent human thing to do.

Yet, I didn't. Because I couldn't get over my hurt pride and whatever else I was feeling. I didn't want to talk to him, so I didn't call--even though I knew I should. I mean, when he came on MSN tonight (two days later) I asked if he was okay, but I still feel kind of bad.

It was just that I really didn't want to talk to him. I mean, it's not the break up. At least, not really. It's more the after stuff and the residual awkwardness. Mainly, I didn't want to talk to him because of something that had happened at Jesse's a couple weeks ago.

Still, I think I probably should have called him. I thought about it. Considered making Taela do it, but in the end I couldn't talk myself into it. So am I a bad person or just a coward? Sometimes, I just don't know. Maybe a little bit of both.

The Beatles or The Rolling Stones

On one of those stupid questionaire things that we've been doing lately, there was an interesting question. Beatles or Stones? Interesting question, especially if you're a music fan.

Most of my friends answeres Stones, which is pretty cool. In fact, I only know one person who answer Beatles. For me, though, the Beatles and Stones represents more than music if that makes sense, so thus the choice was harder.

The Beatles and The Rolling Stones are pretty much the music of my childhood. It's what I grew up listening to and both bring back very specfic memories and emotions. But for me music has always been more than just music. Practically every song I like, I like because it reminds me of someone or something, it's the personal connection.

I mean I share my name with a Beatles song (though I hate that song--I've heard it too many times) and my father's pet name for me was a Stones song. And there were several other songs by both bands that have deeply personal meanings.

To me The Beatles represent my early childhood. My mother is a huge Beatles fan and when I listen to them, I remember dancing in my living room with her to certain songs. I remember her singing off key (I got my musical talent from her). I remember teasing Taela, since she hates Yellow Submarine. It brings me back to that specific time.

For me, I think mainly of times spent with my mother when I listen to the Beatles. I remember all the fun we had together. I remember silly moments, when my fahter was at work. Soemtimes, we'll still dance togehter in our living room to the Beatles.

But as the Beatles make me think of my mother, then it's impossible to listen to the Stones without thinking about my father. A friend of his recently commented that when she wants to have a "Rick moment", she just puts on the Stones and remembers him. He was a huge Stones fan (he named his only child after Mick Jagger) and he passed on his love of their music to me.

When I listen to the Stones I think of loud parties on Friday nights, of prancing around on the stone steps in front of the fire place while my father watched proudly. I think of dancing to It's Only Rock and Roll with him, of all the times he called me his little Ruby Tuesday. I think about how when I would whine about soemthing, he'd sing the words to You Can't Always Get What You Want or how he had taught me all the words to Satisfaction by the time I was four years old.

Everytime I listen to the Stones, I think about him. I think about all those wonderful, crazy memories and for a moment it feels like he's right there with me again.

I think that's why I chose the Stones over the Beatles when it came to that question. Because, I love both my parents and I treasure the times I've had with each, but it's not the same now. My mother's here, we can still share the Beatles. Still make more memories. My father's gone, but the music he loved so much is still there. I can listen to it and I can remember him and I can know that a part of him is with me always.

So, I guess for me it has to be the Stones.

Whoever Said Nothing Exciting Ever Happens Around Here?

This is my 100th post on this blog, in case you're interested. Yes, I've actually written up a 100 pointless rambles. Well, I don't find them pointless, but you might. Though, not this one. I don't think.

So today was interesting. Who ever said that nothing ever happened around here? A local plastics company caught on fire, which is never good. In fact, it's pretty bad. Though, it's pretty big news and you can read about it here.

I was actually in town today even though I didn't have to work. I had lunch with Tara and Tyler and about half way through, the lights in the restaurant went out, which was pretty puzzling. So, we hurried up and finished our meals, since there was no point in ordering desert.

As we exited the restaurant, the first thing I could see was this big cloud over the downtown area. For a second, I assumed it was a rain cloud, until I saw how big and black it was. Definitely smoke and a second later I saw the flames, which is interesting given we were a fair distance from the fire.

We immediately concluded that one of the factories in the industrial park must have caught fire since the smoke was coming from that direction. Tara and I both guessed that it was Horizons Plastics, since even from a distance the fire looked bad and we knew that whatever was in the factory had to be pretty flammable, so we both guessed it had to be the plastics factory (though there are actually two).

We drove in that general direction (yes, even though you're not supposed to) which was pretty chaotic, because people were being evacuated and because there was no power and thus no traffic signs. As we passed the industrial park, we saw that yes indeed, it was Horizons that had gone up.

At this point, with no other information available, I was starting to get really worried because I knew people who were working the day shift there. I tend to panic easily and worry a lot. Luckily, we soon learnt that everyone had made it out okay, thank god.

Still, the fire was pretty bad and the last I heard, it was still going and the area around it had been evacuated. Which actually affects me, because I work in the industrial park. Actually, my work is right behind Horizons, so I'm probably not working for a few days. They called to tell me not to come in tonight (duh--plus it was my day off) and that I might not be working the next couple days. It depends on the fire, I guess.

All in all, it was fairly exciting, though not in a good way. I makes me wonder why I ever complained that things are boring around here. I'll take boredom over fires at plastic factories any day, thanks. I can live without that kind of excitement.

Me A to Z

Another quiz thingy. One question for each letter of the alphabet, at least it's interesting. So, let's see what other pointless information you can learn about me.

A - Age you got your first kiss: Real kiss or schoolyard? Because I got cornered on the monkey bars in grade one, rather traumatizing and a few after that. But my first real kiss was at 14.
B - Band that your Listening to now: The Wallflowers. One Headlight. I'm having a naustalgia moment.
C - Crush: Possibly this guy, I know... Not naming any names and I don't know if he knows I'm alive.
D - Doing right now: Writing in my blog and reading fanfic.
E - Easiest person to talk to: Megan. She's one of my best friends and not quite as judgemental as some.
F - Favorite color: Pink.
G - Girls or boys?: Sexual preference or which do I actually like better? I mean, as people I prefer women, since men suck. But, unfortunately, I'm sexually attracted to men.
H - Hometown: The glorious town of Castleton.
I - Insterests at the moment: Reading, Writing.
J- Junior High: Never went. I spent 10 years at Castleton Public School and then went on to high school.
K - Kids: In another five or ten yaers, maybe.
L - Longest car ride ever: My family's never been big on long car rides, thankfully. Maybe because my parents would have killed each other. Darien Lake, probably.
M - My favorite pastime: Hanging with my friends.
N - Nicknames: You shorted my name and die. I do have one friend who calls me Misha (which is also my pen name) and another who calls me Mitch, my mother has her numerous nicknames, as do my family and old family friends. But none that I really want to list here.
O - One wish: My only wish isn't ever going to come true...
P - Phobias: Fire, Spiders, Snakes, and I'm not too crazy about inclosed spaces...
Q - Quote: "The saddest words of tongue or pen are simply there, it might have been."
R - Reasons to smile: Few and far between.
S - Song you sang last: I sang along with "There You'll Be" tonight. Luckily, the music drowned me out.
T - Time you woke up [today]: 1 p.m. What? It's my day off.
U - Unknown fact about me: I'm not really a secrative person, though I was recently told that I'm actually very guarded and that I have a topic to talk about anything and everything but my self. Is that an unknown fact?
V - Vegetable you hate: Most. Brussel sprouts, Broccoli, Cauliflower, Turnip. I'm not big on the vegatables.
W - Worst habit(s): Talking too much.
X - X-rays you've had: Hmm... Let's see.... Wrist, chest (multiple), ankle, and shoulder. I've even had a CT-Scan.
Y - Yummy food: Anything Italien...
Z - Zodiac sign: Leo.

There, even more usless things about me. Is there anything you guys don't know by now?

Happy Blog Anniversary!

I started this blog one year ago today.

When I started this blog, I wasn't sure how often I would use it or it what way. It's become not quite a diary (let's just say there are a few things I'm not sharing with the world at large) and not quite a posting board for me to update my frineds on what's going on, it's kind of a combination.

I certainly use this as a place to vent my thoughts (just not the ones that will come back to haunt me). It's a nice place to write what I'm feeling and just get it all out. Also, I've discovered that it saves me the trouble of having to tell all my friends indviduallly when something happens, so that's nice.

Anyway, it's kind of nice having this place to write what I'm thinking (even if I occasiaonlly edit it). A year ago, I wasn't sure about haivng a blog. Wasn't sure if I'd find enough to say and I think I have.

So, happy blog anniversary!

My Mother and Other Amusing Things

Sometimes, I think my mother and I come from different planets. We just don't understand each other, though she does absorb more than I gave her credit for. I'll say that.

She's mad at me for not being more mad at James. I was mad, I moved on. He's not worth that much of my thoughts. But she doesn't understnad why I'm still civil to him. We grew up toghete,r one failed relationship doesn't change that. Besides, it's not in my nature to be mean to anyone. Well, not usually.

She has a much more explosive temper than I do and she holds a grudge. I don't think she's ever really understood my way of doing things. She's never understood much about me, not like my father did...

But can't dwell on things you change. So, let's see... She asked me today if I was pregnant. I was quite horrifed. Now wouldn't that be a disaster? She was quite relieved to here that I wasn't. Thank God.

She also told me that a friend's girlfriend referred to me as 'so clean', meaning that I didn't do drugs or such, which is really odd since I've smoked a joint in her kitchen with her boyfriend when she was right there. Whatever. It's like the time someone said to me "you don't drink, do you?" When I had a drink in my hand. Yeah, some people really aren't that observat.

But, I guess in Castleton terms, I've alwyas been a little bit of a goody-goody. And besides, I stayed away from certian crowds for a long time, so... I guess I can understand why people have a certain image of me. It's just kind of amusing.

Alcohol Is Bad

Ugh, yeah, so last night (or rather Friday since it's now Sunday) was not one of my finer nights. I went to Jesse's (where else?) and I had a bit too much drink.

Actually, I was falling down drunk. Litterally, I was tripping over furiniture and could barely stand. I almost passed out on Mike's lap, which would have been amusing if nothing else.

Life is complicated. When I'm drunk stupid things don't seem stupid, so I do them and then I wake up and I'm filled with horror and revulsion. It's not a nice feeling.

I did meet a guy. Well, not meet, since I've known him since I was 5, but talked to for the first time in several years and discovered he's quite nice and cute and smart. I'm not sure how interested I am, but it is nice to know there are a few good guys in this town.

I ended up crashing there last night since I was too drunk to bother calling and getting a ride home nad there's plenty of room. Of course, there's a whole story there, but we're not going there. Let's just say, as soon as I woke up (at 6:30 a.m), I hightailed it out of there.

I needed to get away. I'm not always the smartest person when I'm drunk, but I always regret whatever I did when I'm sober. At least, that's something. If only I would learn and not wake up with regrets, huh?

And for anyone reading this, don't worry I didn't have sex with anyone last night or anything. I'm not that stupid. I'm not willing to go into details, but I didn't want one of my friends to have a panic attack or anything after reading this.

I will add that I truly hate men. Most men that is. They confuse me and they infuriate me. Unfortunately, I'm not at all attraced to women, so... I'm stuck with men. Even if I hate them.

I know this is a vague, strange entry, but I needed to pour out some of my thoughts and I didn't really want to go into details. So the result is vague and disjointed. Sorry.

Wounds

It surprises me that after over a year, my father's death can still hurt so bad sometimes. Normally, I'm okay, it's a healing wound. Not healed yet, but kind of scabby. It can still bleed when scratched or picked at, but it hurts less than it did when it was raw.

Yesterday was one of those times when it got scratched open and it was done inadverntantly. I ran into an old friend of the family who happens to be wokring where I am now. It had been years since I had seen him and in fact I hadn't recognized him at first.

That part was actually funny. I was talking to one of my friends at work and realizing that the two guys sitting next to her wouldn't know what I was talking about, I explained my remark about the "middle of nowhere" saying that I lived in Castleton. Troy, the old friend of the family, informed me that he knew that since he had known me since I was a baby.

I, of course, was immediately embarassed, though still had no clue who he was until he told me his name, at which point I felt even worse. Since I really had known him all my life. He's about 10 years older me and grew up in Castleton. So it was kind of embarrassing not to recognize him, though it had been about five years since I'd seen him.

Anyway, Troy asked what I'd been doing and I answered politely. Then, this is where the pain comes in, he casually asked "how are Rick and Wanda? I haven't seen them in a while." God, taht hurt, having someone cassually ask how my father was.

Of course, I had to explain that Daddy was dead, that he'd been killed in a car accident last year. Troy was horrified of course and quite shocked and dismayed. I mean, no one likes to hear that someone they knew is now dead.

This isn't the first time it's happened, but it's alwyas so hard. I mean, I guess it's natural that there are a few people who didn't hear about what happened and who will thus, casually mention my father, not knowing the pain they inflict.

Saterday Night

So Taela and I went to Jesse's last night. It was okay. I discovered I like the people better when I have alcohol in my system...

Let's see... First of all Taela's an intellectual snob. She looks down her nose at people who aren't as smart as her, or as book smart even. That and she has no desire to like any of the people who was there and doesn't like any of them.

I'll give her credit for being polite (though I did have to drag her out of the room when homosexuality came up), though she didn't say more than like ten words all night. And as soon as we got in the car, she started bitching.

Still, I guess it proves that she really is the best friend I could ask for, that she went in the first place. She loves me.

Secondly, James was totally weird. He like stood behind my chair and was really friendly andit was like he had forgotten that we broke up and he dumped me! Guys suck, they really, really do. So why was he acting all weird? I mean, he broke up with me, so he has no right to act like nothing changed.

Funniest part fo the nihgt. When he came in, Doby (Jesse's dog) was lying on the chair peacefully, but then she started growling at him. And when she was done, she got off her chair and wlaked over to me and laid her head in my lap, as if to say "I'm on your side".

My mom says it's because Doby could pick up on the fact that I felt threatened by James and that I was really tense and she got all agressive because she's very protective of me. I mean, the dog has always adored me and it's kind of nice to know that she's on my side. Good dog.

Taela and I only stayed like an hour, because any longer and she'd kill someone. I could have stayed, but I chose not to. I wasn't having that good of time and well, I wasn't about to spend the whole night with an ex-boyfriend hovering near me. No, not happening.

All I Want Is Space

After a break-up, I think it's pretty natural to want some space. I don't really want to see the person I was dating or even really interact with them, until I've calmed down and moved on. I think that's pretty reasonable.

Apparently not, since I keep getting contacted. He keeps talking to me like it's normal, like nothing happened and it bugs me. I just want some room to breath. I mean, in the end, I don't really hold any hard feelings and I think we'll be able to be friends again. But not today.

I mean, I want a little bit of time. Is that too much to ask? I just want to stop being angry and move on. I don't think it'll take that long. Maybe a couple weeks. But I think it'll take longer if he keeps being in my space.

Maybe I should do as Taela advises and just tell him to go fuck himself, but I'm too nice. Besides, then he'll think he had more of an impact on my emotions than he really did. So that's not an option. Also, I don't think cutting him out of my life entirely is an option.

His father was one of my father's best friends. I adore Roger and he's a good friend of my mom's. We also share common friends and go to the same parties. No, I just can't pretend he never existed. Well, I could, but...

I think this a valuable lesson as to why you don't date friends. It's just to messy afterwards. I mean, normally you can just go run and hide and try to forget about the person for at least a while. I don't have the option this time. He's in my life, whether I want him to be or not.

I just have to be mature I guess and deal with it. I chose to date him and now I have to deal with the fallout. Like having to socialize with him and all that. Oh, well, I'm a big girl I can handle it. Tomorrow night I'll go to Jesse's and I'll act as normally as possible. Which is pretty good damage control actually, since I don't want everyone to pity me.

Weirdly enough, that was the thing that bothered me the most about this whole thing. Having to face everyone with the knowledge that he broke up with me. However, I guess it can't be avoided, right?

However, all of this is making my "rules" seem better than ever, no matter what my friends might think about them. I wrote the "rules" ages ago and I have a tendancy to break them. However, this last relationship, which broke three of the rules, made me think at least some of the rules were there for a reason.

The Rules:

1. Cannot be younger.
I've broken this rule, though maybe I shouldn't. It's really just a preference thing. I really do prefer my guys older, have only dated one younger guy and we all know that worked out...

2. Cannot be shorter.
The unbreakable rule. I will not date anyone shorter than me, because I simply couldn't find a short guy physically attractive. Height is a big deal for me.

3. Cannot have slept with anyone that I know.
Needless to say, this is a very important rule.

4. Cannot have been my friend for more than a year, or someone I've known for more than three.
I've broken this one, but it gets messy. My whole theory when I made the rule was that after that amount of time if there was no spark, there'll never be a spark. My theory now is that even if there is a spark, it's better off to ignroe it, it's just too complicated.

5. Can't be from Castleton.
This was orignally 'cause Castleton guys are kind of skeevy. Hell, Taela and I can recite off about 25 reasons why we don't date Castleton guys (though we usually only do this when we're drinking). However, recent exprience has made me decide to elaborate. It's goes with rule 4, most of the guys in this town I've known forever and there a part of my life, whether or not I want them to be.

6. Can't be a virgin or have only been with one girl (have to be third).
Well, I don't bring a lot of experience to the table, so someone should.

7. Can't have been in jail.
I think that one's pretty self-explanatory.

8. Can't have more than five tatoos and piericings (or more than three tatoos)
I mean I can handle a couple tatoors or piercings, but more than that is kind of gross.

9. Has to be single and not on the rebound.
Again pretty self-explanatory.

There you have it, "my rules". They might be a little unreasonable, but their basically just a guideline of what I'm looking for and what I'm not looking for. It's not like I won't date someone if they break one of the rules, but I'll stop and think about it, decide if it's worth it.

Maybe it's a little unreasonable, but I mean we all need some sort of romantic guideline to live by, right? I mean, some rules I don't think are that important, others are pretty unbreakble. I mean, I can deal with someone younger, I guess. But I don't think I'll be dating any of my friends anytime soon, it's just too hard.

Which brings me back to the original problem. Is it so unreasonable that I don't really wnat to be friends with someone I dated? Even if we were friends in the first place? I mean, I'm not talking forever, just right now. I just want some space, is that so unreasonable?

Pointless Questions and Answers

This was taken from Meg's blog. I know I did one of these things recently, but these are even weirder more useless questions that I answered before. Think of it as those things you never really wanted to know about me.

1. What's the middle name of first person you slept with?
William, I think.

2. What kind of underwear are you wearing, and what color are they?
Bikini-style panties. Blue with a sort of mock-denim design.

3. What song do you want played at your funeral?
"Amazing Grace" and "I Will Remember You" by Sarah McLachlan, amongst others. Lots of music for me.

4. What is the number of your sluttiest friend so that some of your single friends can get some action?
Um...

5. What would your last meal be before being executed?
Ceaser Salad, Garlic Bread, some Chicken Wings, Fettuchini Alfredo, and a nice piece of chocolate cheesecake. Plus a couple strawberry daquiris. I'd die with a full stomach.

6. Beatles or Stones?
Ooh, this is the tough one. Well, I guess in the end, I'm more a Daddy's girl than a Mama's girl, so I'll say the Stones.

7. If you had to pick one person on earth to die, who would it be?
That's an awful question to ask and one I'm not willing to answer. I don't wish death on anyone.

8. The person whose problems you wouldn't want to hear?
I don't know, I like listening to people's problems.

9. What is the thing most important to you about the preferred sex?
Intelligence.

10. Do you secretly hate some of your friends but are too nice to reject them?
If I hated them, they wouldn't be my friends. I take that word very seriously and I'm not that nice.

11. If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
Teleportation, I think, either that or Telekensis.

12. Favorite hangover cure?
Sleep.

13. How many drinks does it take to get you drunk?
Tipsy? About 3. Slightly sloshed? 4 or 5. Truly rip-roaring drunk? 8 or 9.

14. Favorite Outkast lyric?
Umm....

15. Hair color you most like someone you're dating to have?
Don't really care.

16. If you had to be blind or deaf, which would you choose?
I'd rather not do either, but I guess blind because Helen Keller once said "blindness seperates you from things, deafness seperates you from people." Besides, I'd hate to never hear music again...

7. Do you have any psychiatric problems?
Probably.

18. Siblings that should go to rehab?
I'm an only child.

19. Least favorite month?
February. Bad things happen to me in February.

20. Favorite hateful thing to do to somebody?
Um, I don't know?

21. First movie you remember seeing as a kid?
Like ever? "Annie".

22. Favorite person in the whole world?
My mom.

23. When's the last time you went on a date?
LIke going out somewhere with someone of the opposite sex? To a party a couple weeks ago.

24. Do you like violent movies or dirty movies?
Neither really.

25. Fall or spring?
Fall.

26. Person you most wish you hadn't made out with?
Now there's an interesting question... Depends on which way I regret it. There are guys I'm fond of, but who I really wish I hadn't made out with after the fact and then there are guys who I just go 'what was I thinking' when I look back. So, there are few differnet regrets, but I'm not naming any anmes. Good girls don't kiss and tell.

27. If you are straight, what person of the same sex would you do it with?
Easy. Angelina Jolie.

28. Where do you want to live when you are old and brittle?
Castleton. I want to die here.

29. Who is the person you can count on the most?
Taela or my mother.

30. If you could date any celebrity, past or present, time and age are not a factor?
Hmmm.... Tough question. Let's see I'll say Cary Grant.

31. What books have you pretended to read?
Why would I "pretend" to read a book?

32. What's a word you'd use to describe your life?
Chaotic.

33. What's your favorite drinking game?
"I Never", but I don't think anyone will ever let me play it again...

34. What did you dream about last night?
I had a really horrible dream last night. It was really vivid and really creepy.

35. Favorite vices?
Romance novels.

36. What's the last thing you'd ever tell someone?
Why would I answer that?

There, I've answered pointless questions and told you even more useless things about myself. Don't you feel priveleged?

Life Goes On

It's nice to know people care.

On Tuesday morning the phone rang and I didn't answer it because it was 10 a.m and I was still trying to sleep. I did, however, hear part of the conversation from downstairs and realized that my mother is discussing my love life with whoever is on the other end.

Naturally, I was quite irritated, since I didn't think my mother had any right to be talking about it. My irritation evaporated a bit when I discovered that it was Roger she was talking to, calling to make sure I was okay. Which is actually pretty sweet.

Truthfully, I'm fine. My pride's a little hurt, but other than that, I'm really okay. Actually, I'm better than I would have thought. He's just a guy after all and while I enjoyed his company, there are plenty of other guys in the world. I just have to start looking again.

My friends have been fabulous as always. The ones I've talked to and the ones who have called to cheer me up (even if they couldn't a hold of me). It's nice to know that people care and I'm grateful for all of them, but I don't really need it.

I do need to repair my hurt pride and figure out how to deal with the humiliation of having everyone know I was dumped, but it'll come to me. I do know that it's better to get out there, so I will.

Men Suck

So it never fails, when things start going well, something's going to screw up. I get too content and it all goes to Hell again.

So, I was in a realtionship and I thought it was going okay. Apparently I was wrong, because for the first time, I got dumped. Done as gently as possibly, but it still happened.

I didn't even see it coming. I thought everything was going well. But he says taht it was too awkward, that he doesn't want to risk the friendship and that it's just too weird since we grew up together.

I'm not a 100% sure I buy it, but whatever. It amounts to the same thing. He doesn't want to be with me. I wish I could say I took it graciously, but I didn't. What can I say? I didn't feel like being good about it.

I mean, I'm not heart-broken or anything. I'm more angry and humiliated than hurt, but it was upsetting. No one likes to be dumped.

The worst part is that our dating was public knowledge so now I have to face a lot of people. But I'm not going to shrink away. Nor am I going to avoid him or mutual friends, why should I have to?

To prove to the world that I'm okay, I'm going to Jesse's this weekend. Not going alone, though, not htat brave. Taela's going with me. What can I say, she loves me.

Anyway, I'm pretty much pissed off at men in general. What can I say, they suck. This is just further proof.

Sunday Mornings Suck

Ugh. I hate Sunday mornings. Or rather I hate Sunday mornings when I was drinking Saterday night.

I work in two hours and I stopped drinking roughly six hours ago. See the problem? Ugh. I got like three hours of sleep, stupid time change.

It was an interesting night. First, our car wouldn't start and needed a battery charge. So, we were late getting to my cousin's figure sktaing show. Then, the ground was covered in wet snow, so I got soaked. More than once during the course of the night.

So, we get to the party and it was fun. Maybe a little clausterphobic, but that's just cause labels freak me out. But I had a good time. Caught up with some old friends. Had a debate on whether my parents friends should still be allowed to call me 'kiddo'. I lost.

So the party was good, but leaving was an adventure. We gave Jesse adn Jenny a ride home and then got our car stuck in Jesse's drivewya, it would not budge, so we ended up having to take his truck home and go back for our car today. Fun, huh?

I'm sure Jesse especailly loved having to try and push the car in the muck at five in the morning. Which is why he just gave my mother his keys. It was a kind of crazy night.

Anyways, now I have to go get ready for work. Yuck. I hate work.