I Hate My Life

I'm hitting a low point. One of those days, when I feel like I'm about to hit rock bottom. I can't decide if I want to throw things or break down and cry. I can't decide which would be less productive.

I feel so lost and alone. I feel like nobody cares, even if realistically I know that's not true. People do care, I have wonderful loving friends, but it's just one of those days when that's not registering. Where I feel like I'm totally on my own.

I hate my life. I hate this town and I feel like I'm never going to get out of it. Somehow, I think I'm going to be here until I'm 90. I just want out... Out of this town, out fo my life for a little while...

I want to scream, but I can't. I want to cry, but I've done that too often lately. I want to smash everything in my room to little pieces, but that's not going to help. I'm not sure what will.

This feeling has been building up in me for a while. The feeling of being lost and alone, disconnected from everything and everyone I love. This total frustration with my life.

It's a combination of things. This town, stress leave from work (which I think is actually harming my sanity rather than helping), my lack of communication with people which can be blamed on hecitc lives and the fact that I'm pretty far away in this stupid town. The fact that tomorrow's father's day. It's a lot of things.

But it all adds up to the fact that I feel low and desperate and empty. I just want something to change. I just want out.

God, I hate my life.

Stuck

I've been informed by most of my friends that I need to get out of this town and that even includes one friend living in this town. I see the point, my existence isn't actually riveting or particularly healthy.

On the other hand, leaving is easier said than done. Whatever my friends might think, I do feel I have a responsiblity to my mother. I'm her only child, all she has in the world, how can I abandon her? I mean, I know I'm an adult and I'm entitled to my own life, but I feel a great responsibility to my mother.

I know I can't spend the rest of my life living with my mother (God help me), but whenever I think about leaving, I just feel guilty. It's only been 16 months since my father died, maybe I owe her more time. Just so she can move on her life, find fulfillment. I mean, she has a job she hates, a lot of bills, and a small town she's never been happy living in. How can I leave her to that?

On the other hand, how can I stay? This town is suffocating. Is is wrong to say I've outgrown it, that I need bigger and better things? Don't get me wrong, a part of me is alwyas going to belong here, but the rest of me is dying.

I've never felt that I was meant to spend my entire life here. Even at seven, I recognized that I was meant for life away from Castleton. That's how old I was when I decided I was going to live in Toronto some day and I do want that desperately, but I just feel so conflicted.

Of course, my mother did offer to move to Toronto with me, but I don't think that's a viable option. I mean, when I move to Toronto, it'll be my grab for freedom. My time to find out who I am and to assert my independance, I certainly can't do that with my mother there, can I?

I'll figure something out, I'm sure. Hopefully for the sake of my sanity, sooner rather than later. Or, I might just lose my mind.

Isolation

This is one of those low periods in my life. My dreams are bordering on distrubing once more, so sleep is no sanctuary and when I'm awake I'm left to deal with my thoughts, which aren't the most pleasant. My mind is a prison, trapping me with unpleasant thoughts and leaving me no place for escape.

Perhaps, if would be better if I was working, but I'm not. Not for another month at least, doctor's orders. So, I sit here along most of the time, with nothing else to do, but wallow in my thoughts. It's not very helpful and just digs me deeper into the unpleasant cycle, but I see no way of breaking it.

It doesn't help that I feel very isolated from my friends these days. It's no fault of theirs, they have lives of their own, their busy. But even more than that, I feel distant from them when even when they are around. Like their right in front of me, but something's blocking me from reaching out and really communicating with them. Some invisible barrier.

It's an unpleasant feeling, the feeling that you're cut off from everything and everybody. You want to launch into self-pity, but you know that there's no releief there. It would only be digging the whole deeper. So, you just struggle to find something to hold onto, something to connect with. But nothing's helping.

I can'y even find sanctuary in my writing, like I normally would. The words come, but they aren't very good and they offer no satisfaction. I think it was better last year, when I couldn't write all. Now I can write, but nothing worth putting my name on. My thoughts, my self won't pour out like they used to, it just stayed walled up inside.

The only positive I can think of, is that this is bound to pass. It's a dark cycle, but I've been in them before and survived, maybe I didn't come out exactly as I was, but I did managed to come out in one piece. So, I just have to believe that it'll happen this time as well, that when I beat my inner demons and escape the prison of my own thoughts and feelings, I will see the other side and it will be light.

Birth Month

Something else I found. As I said. I'm really, really bored.

RULES:
1. Put your birth month in an entry.
2. Underline anything that doesn't apply to you.
3. Bold the things that best apply to you.
4. Put all twelve months under a cut.

JULY: Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

---

JANUARY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very stubborn and money cautious.

FEBRUARY: Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but those not show it. Dislike unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

MARCH: Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.

APRIL: Active and dynamic. Decisive and hasty but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.

MAY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.

JUNE: Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.

JULY: Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

AUGUST: Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride of oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.

SEPTEMBER: Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people's mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive.Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves sports, leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.

OCTOBER: Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to takes things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.

NOVEMBER: Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Sexual. Does not appreciate praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Can easily get jealous. Seductive. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions. Unpredictable.

DECEMBER: Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egoistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.

---

Keep in mind that my observations about myself, are just that: mine. That's how I see myself when it comes to those particular traits. Others might see me differently.

Bored

What can I say, I got bored, so once again I filled out a student, random survey. Blame it on my stupid doctor--since I'm in for another month of excrutiating boredom. Sigh. Anyway, here goes it....

1) Pierce your nose or tongue? Eh... If I was going to do either, I'd go with tongue.
2) Be serious or be funny? Serious.
3) Drink whole or skim milk? Whole.

ARE YOU
4) Simple or complicated? I think everyone will agree when I say complicated.

DO YOU PREFER
5) Flowers or angels? Flowers.
6) Grey or gray? I've never really concerned myself with the spelling of the word. Whichever my spellcheck accepts.
7) Color or black-and-white photos? Colour.
8) Lust or Love? Lust is less complicated...
9) Sunrise or sunset? When am I ever up to see the Sunrise?
10) M&Ms or Skittles? Skittles.
11) Rap or rock? Rock. Classic.
12) Staying up late or waking up early? Staying up late. I do not get up early.
13) TV or radio? TV
14) eating apples or oranges? Oranges.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY
16) Do you have a crush? Crush? No. Give me a week or two.
17) Who is it? Currently no one. No one real at least.

DO YOU PREFER
18) Being hot or cold? Hot. I hate being cold.
19) Tall or short members of the opposite sex? Taller. I don't date guys shorter than me. Ever.
20) Sun or moon? Sun.
21) Emeralds or rubies? Rubies... My birthstone.
22) Left or right? Right.
23) Having 10 acquaintances or 1 best friend? One best friend. Though I actually have two....
24) Sun or rain? Sun. I hate rain.
27) Green beans or carrots? Carrots.
28) Low fat or fat free? Ick. Niether.

MISCELLANEOUS
29) What is your biggest fear in the world? Losing my mother.
30) Kids or no kids? No kids.
31) Cat or dog?Cat.
32) Half empty or half full? Half full
33) Mustard or ketchup? Ketchup.
34) Hard cover books or soft cover books? Either.
35) Newspaper or magazine? Magazine.
36) Sandals or sneakers? Sandals. When's the last time anyone saw me in sneakers?
37) Wonder or amazement? Amazement.
38) Red car or white car? Red.
39) Happy and poor or sad and rich? I'm currenly unhappy and poor, so I'll say sad and rich. What? Being broke sucks!
40) Singing or dancing? I'm sure everyone will be releived when I say dancing.
41) Hugging or kissing? Hugging. I guess.
42) Corduroy or plain? Huh? Plain.
43) Happy or sad? Happy. I've had enough sadness to last me a lifetime.
45) Blondes or brunettes? I want to say brunettes, but history tends to say otherwise...

WHAT DO YOU WANT
46) Where do you want to live? Somewhere with lots of people.
47) How many kids do you want? 3. In an ideal world. No clue if I'll have any.
48) What kind of job do you want? Something that involves me writing.
49) Do you want to get married? Don't know.

WHICH IS BETTER
50) 2 doors or 4 (on a car)? 4, I hate 2 door cars with a firey passion.
51) Coffee or ice cream? Coffee.
52) Shampoo or conditioner? Conditioner.
53) Bridges or tunnels? Bridges. Tunnels freak me out.
54) One pillow or two? Two. Or one really big one.

There you go. Even more things that you never really wanted to know about me.

Anime North and Other Things

I'm so lazy. I never write in this thing anymore. Oops. And it's not even like I have a life to keep me from writing. I'm just so tired these days, but that's no excuse. Not when I have nothing else to do. I should be writing in this thing and from now on I will be. I promise.

So, Anime North was last weekend. It was fun. A little stressful, but fun as always. I did some con related things, but due to a money shortage didn't buy anything. I am so pre-reging next year, seriously. We ran into that Justin guy from 2002 and last year which was kinda cool and he invited us to some room party which was fun.

The pool was great. Water slide, yay. I love water. Missed this dance this year for the first time (I always go for at least a few minutes), but we went to the room party instead so all was good.

As always, I loved spending time with my friends, especially Meg who I miss so much. I wish I got to see her more often and I hope she feels the same way. Oh, well at least I got to see her for four days and that was good.

Let's see... Back in Castleton and my self-imposed exhile is over. I made myself take a one month vacation from the Castleton crowd. I was starting to act a little too much like my high-school self, so I needed a breather. Didn't really work, still making questionable decisions, but it is my life after all, right?

I have a doctor's appointemnet next week to get clearance to go back to work and also to get a few other things checked out. Haven't been feeling great lately, but it might just be the stress and my not-so-healthy lifestyle/diet.

That's about it. I'm pondering the possibility of a relationship. I don't know, I'm thinking about it. I'll let you know what I decide.