Mr. Wrong-For-Me

This was a post I started back in early July (before Mark) and never finished. I'm finishing it now and adding to it.

I came to a realization about my taste in men. Taela once told me that I was attracted to men who were "bad for me". Not nessarcily bad boys, but guys who weren't good for me in some way or another, whether it was there fault or not.

Talking to a friend a while ago, I realized that in a lot of ways that might have stemmed from my father. Don't get me wrong, I loved my dad dearly, but he wasn't always the best influence. Over the years, he caused me a lot of pain, though not all of it on purpose. It was just the way it was. Now, as an adult, I tend to be attracted to men who do the same thing.

They don't mean to hurt me, they aren't bad men, but in the end they do cause me pain in some way. Maybe because it's a long distance thing and that's not good for me, maybe they hurt me in another way, maybe they're not available. It comes down to a bunch of different factors.
Yet, in the end, I always come out of it a bit more scary and damaged.

I don't even have to date them for that to happen. Just being involved or sometimes, just being interested, can occasionally lead me down that road. After all, I've had some less than pretty moments and some severe damage from things that never were. Golf tournament party. No, I seemed to have this great attraction to the wrong man. Not nessecarily Mr. Wrong, but Mr. Wrong-For-Me. Oh, there've been a few of those.

That doesn't bode well for Mark, does it? Yet, so far he's been amazing for me. Yeah, the long distance thing is causing issues, but I feel stronger and better because I have Mark. He brings out good things in me and so far, he hasn't been bad for me. Maybe, the pattern has changed. Maybe the years of therapy are finalyl working their magic. Maybe, I'm finally down with all the Mr. Wrong-For-Me's, maybe I'm done being scary and damaged. It would be nice, wouldn't it?

Questionaire

Another Questionaire thingy, at least these ones seemed different than all the others I've posted on here.

Q1) When showering, do you start the water and then get in, or get in then start the water?
I take baths, and I always fill the tub about half-way before I get in. When I do shower, I get in, move out of the way and start the water then get under it when it's hot.
Q2) Do you read the labels on your shampoo bottle?
Sometimes.
Q3) Do you moan in the shower like the people on the Herbal Essences commercials?
Never had that happen yet, but anything's possible.
Q4) Have you ever showered with someone of the opposite sex?
No.
Q5) Have you ever been forced to shower with one of your siblings?
Only child.
Q6) Have you ever brushed your teeth in the shower?
No.
Q7) Have you ever dropped your soap on your foot?
Yes.
Q8) How old do you look?
Depends. With my short hair I'm told I look younger, about 18. Somedays, depending on what I wear, I look a little older than I am, about 25. So, it really depends on what I'm wearing, how I've done my hair, that sort of things.
Q9) How old do you act?
Young.
Q10) Whats the last song you sang?
"Dear Mr. President" by Pink
Q11) Have you recently become a member of anything?
I'm a student again and I'm checking out joing a soritiy.
Q12) What are your plans for the weekend?
Going home, hanging out.
Q13) Do you kiss with your eyes open or closed?
Closed, usually.
Q14) Whats the sexiest thing about Condoleeza Rice?
Um... She kinda scares me, so...
Q15) Does anything on your body itch right now?
Not at this minute, no.
Q16) Who's the sexiest famous woman alive?
Katherine Heigl.
Q17) Who's the sexiest famous man alive?
George Clooney. Old and still gorgeous.
Q18) Does every family have a crazy uncle?
I think so. Mine certainly does.
Q19) Have you ever smuggled something into America?
No.
Q20) Does playing the guitar make a girl/guy more attractive?
God yes.
Q21) Do you live in a city with a good sports team?
Depending on what you mean by 'good', if you mean winning, not so much. Though, I don't actually live in a city, just close by.
Q22) Have you ever finished off the popcorn and ate the junk from the bottom of the bag?
Yes.
Q23) Have you ever had sex in a tent?
No.
Q24) What about in a boat?
No.
Q25) Have you ever dated a Goth?
No.
Q26) Would you rather receive amazing oral sex or have amazing sex?
Amazing sex.
Q27) Can you fix your own car?
Um, no. Can sorta change a tire, though.
Q28) Would you want to kill George W Bush yourself if you were Guarunteed to get away with it?
I'm not a killer.
Q29) Should guys wear pink?
Sure. Men can look hot in manly pink.

Feeling Lost

My net's back up and it's all sorted out, thankfully. No net sucks.

So, school's going fairly well. So far I'm keeping my head afloat. I got an 83% on the first assignment I got back and more importantly 2.5 out of the possible 3% of my final grade. It's only 3%, but it all adds up, right?

I am struggling with a Sociology assignment, but I think I always knew that Psych and Soc were going to be my tough subjects. In comparison, I find Literature and Philosophy pretty easy, though the tend to be the subjects with the toughest work load. I think it's the writer in me or maybe just that I like those subjects, so I do better in them.

Other than that... I don't really feel adjusted to life in Peterborough yet. I'm trying my best, but while school is going okay and I'm making friends and joining activities, I still feel unhappy and lost. I just don't feel like I belong here, but I am making an effort, really I am, since I know I'm here for another seven months...

Besides that, I'm just in a low funk. I've been getting some great writing out of it, but it's leaving me feeling kind of lost and alone, which I know isn't true. But I just, I get in those moods and it's hard to get out of them. Being here, away from everything, isn't helping and neither is the stress of school and everything else.

I feel cut off from my friends, which is silly I know, but I guess I just fear that by the end of this year I'm not going to have my friends. That the distance and me being me is going to drive them away. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I can't help it. I have ridiculous thoughts, it part of who I am.

Then there's the fact that long distance relationships are hard. I hate only having short, infrequent visits and short talks at night via Skype. But I knew going into it would be hard and I'm trying hard not to get wrapped up in it. I can't let it distract me from school and really it's not, it's because I'm already distracted and unhappy that I'm focusing on this as the reason. The truth is, I'm 99% certain I'd be feeling this way without Mark in the picture, it just doesn't make it easier. But, on the other hand, I'm so glad he's in the picture and he makes most things better, I just miss him.

Still, I'll pull myself out of it and I'll make a go of this year. At least, I'm off to a good start. I'm doing okay academically, I'm staying ahead of the work, I'm making friends and I'm joining things. I'll start to feel a little less alienated and more at home here in Peterborough, I'm sure. I have to, right?

From Toronto....

So, the internet at my place isn't working too well. The router, the PC, and the Mac just aren't getting along. Why can't they just learn to talk about their problems and all live in harmony? Seriously, we're working on, but until then, it's the labs and other people's computers for Michelle.

So far, so good with school. Lots of homework and I'm pretty busy, but so far I'm doing well with the time management thing and keeping my head afloat. I'll have to work hard, but I've known that all along. I'm just going to have to concentrate, and that's not always so easy.

I'm in Toronto right now. Stayed at Tara's last night and I'm at Meg's tonight, not sure I've been the best guest, but what can you do? Tomorrow, we were thinking of doing "Word on the Street" before I head back.

Balance

So, operation get a life is in swing. I went to the gym today and took in an AquaFit class. Definitly not my thing, though I'm still holding out hope for the AquaYoga. That'll at least be relaxing and I need to relax. I also went for a swim after my class, which was nice.

Tomorrow, the sorority I'm considering joining has it's first meeting. It'll be interesting at least to check it out and see what it's about. It might be my thing, or, it might be the exact opposite of what I'm looking for. I want to make friends and get involved in something. Everyhing I didn't do at Loyalist.

Lots of homework, but so far I'm keeping on top of it. Tonight I have every attention of doing something I haven't in quite awhile: watch TV. Studio 60 on the Sunset Stip airs tonight and it's the only new show that really interests me. I love Bradley Whitford adn Matthew Perry and Aaron Sorkin is a genius, so I have high hopes for this show. Besides, the ads make it look good.

Other than that, not a lot going on. Trying to balance and it all and find a combination that leaves me both productive and happy. It's not always that easy to find.

Emotional

Two weeks into school. So far, so good. I've been doing my readings and trying to keep up with my homework which is a huge improvement from my behaviour both in high school and when I was at Loyalist. I've also already started working on my first assignment.

I'm settleing into a good grove here, though I find that I'm more emotional than usual. I find myself crying more than normal and getting upset over little things, but also getting emotional in a good way (or at least a non-traumatic way). I'm crying at the drop of a hat these days, sad tears, angry tears, sentimental tears, you name it and they're flowing.

I think a lot of it is that I've been facing a lot of changes in my life the last fews month. Both with school and personally and I've been under a lot of stress. Probably doesn't make me the easiest person to put up with and I guess I should be grateful that none of my nearest and dearest have run screaming in the opposite direction yet.

I figure that once I get into the grove of school and things settle down a bit, I'll start feeling better. I really do think its a case of too much happening at once and not sure how to handle it and it's either cry or scream and well, I think crying is healthier. Also, probably less likely to drive people away.

I have so much to be happy about. I have a wonderful family, amazing friends and a fantastic boyfriend. I'm working towards fulfilling my goals and I'm getting closer. All the pieces in my life are sliding into place, so why do I feel so close to tears so much of the time? It makes no sense to me at all. Maybe, I'm just not used to being happy and I can't handle it... That would make a certain twisted kind of sense, at least if you knew me. I do like to make things complicated for myself.

Skype and A Life in Peterborough

Thanks to messenger, Skype, and webcams I might survive this next year (and not be in more debt than expected). Those three things allow me to communicate with my friends and family, without racking up the world's largest phone bill.

I am not going to be able to make it through a year without communicating with my loved ones, but this way I can do it fairly cheaply. Thank God. MSN, Yahoo, and Skype are going to be three of my best friends, I just know it.

I've made a vow that I'm going to go out and do stuff this year. I did a lot of things badly at Loyalist and I'm going to try and fix that. I'm going to try and get involved, join stuff, and just generally have a life in Peterborough and not just focus on the life that I have in Castleton and the one waiting for me in Toronto. After all I'm here for a year, I should make the most of it.

So I made a few inquiries about volunteering and I've taken note of a few clubs and such that look interesting and will at least check them out. I'm also thinking about aqua yoga, since I think that sounds neat, plus I could use some sort of fitness regime. So, on paper it sounds good, now lets just see if I can actually stick to it.

School, A Good Weekend and the Anniversary of 9/11

So the first week of school is over. I've gone to all my classes (well except Philosophy--that's tomorrow), met all my teachers and bought most of my books. I'm on my way to being an actual student. Lots of homework, which I'm actually doing, an improvement over my previous scholastic efforts.

Went to Toronto this past weekend. Had a pretty good time. It was Mark's niece's birthday on Saterday and we went to her party, which was fun. I enjoy spending time with Mark's family and the kids are all really, really cute.

Sunday, we went to the movies and saw Invincible, which was really good. I love sports movies, especially inspirational ones. Then we had lunch and went shopping. All in all it was a pretty good day, we just enjoyed each other's company. It was nice. I hated having to say goodbye. Why can't the weekends last forever?

Today's September 11th. It's been five years since the attack on the World Trade Center, so of course it's in the news. Five years. It's one of those days you don't forget. I can still tell exactly where I was and what I was doing when I heard the news. Can still remember it all in vivid detail and I'm sure it's like that for most people.

That Time of Year Again

So, I'm all moved into my place in Peterborough. Class starts tomorrow. Wow. Where did the summer go? It seemed like just yesterday it was Canada Day weekend...

My last weekend of freedom was a good one. Went to Toronto for Phil's toga party. Which was definitly fun, even if I didn't actually wear a toga for a whole night. Turns out Toga's aren't designed very well and aren't particularly practical.

It was good to see people and I always love socializing with my friends. Pizza and wings, plus booze. So that was good too. Plus there was Toga twister which is always fun.

Sunday, Mark and I went to the Ex. It was nice, except I ended up not feeling so we left after a few hours. He won me a bear though, which was very sweet. She came with me to Peterborough and is now resting on my bed.

He came down with me last night to help me move tonight, which was nice. He got a chance to meet Taela and my grandfather. Actually, this was the weekend for meeting family, I ended up meeting his parents as well this weekend and they're very nice people. So, all in all, it was a pretty successful weekend.

Now, I just have to get myself back in the school mode of things...