Best Friends

So this is a personal topic and might get be in trouble, but... I'm not sure who actually reads this thing anyway.

I have two best friends. I know, that kind of defeats the purpose as best means "better than all the rest", but... They both really are the best, in different ways. I don't know what I would do without either of them.

One of them is my lifeline, she's been there for every moment in my life and probably always will be. I wouldn't be me without her, but there are a few times when she's not the best person to go to. She gets moody or stressed or frustrated with the choices I've made. Not that I don't understand that, I would too. Sometimes I just feel that she's too judgmental. Yeah, I'm a screw up, but it's my life.

Of course, since I'm always going to her advice, maybe she's allowed to be frustrated. I don't know. I love her to death and wouldn't want to imagine life without her and 90% of the time she's amazing and totally supportive, but every once in a while I just feel like she's a brick wall. But people aren't supposed to get along all the time, are they?

My other best friend on the other hand, I haven't known as long. Six years now, but almost from the beginning, we clicked and I can barely remember a time when she wasn't there. I feel like I can tell her anything and she won't judge me. Not that she hasn't disapproved of choices I've made or been mad at me in the past, but... I don't know, I feel I can really tell her anything and she'll be there for me.

Not that the other one wouldn't be too, but... I guess it's wrong to compare them, since they're different people. I just know I'm really lucky to have them both and I'd never be able to choose between them, not that I would ever have to.

But they're both my best friend, it just the friendships are very different. One is based on a bond that's been built over the course of both of our lives, the other just sort of formed itself. They're both strong, just different. Just like them, but that's okay.

The Chaos Factor

I dislike chaos, though I have a tendancy to create it. I just want my life to be neat, simple and orderly, but fate always seems to have other ideas.

I have a habit of getting into situations. Creating messes that amuse everyone else, but cause me no end of emotional turmoil and I hate it. I thought by 21 I was done with that tendancy, being that it does seem like a teenage habit.

I understand that some kinds of chaos nothing can prevent. I mean, the accident tore my life apart of no fault of my own or anyone else's. It just happened. I didn't get a vote. I'd rather it didn't happen, but that's not the kind of chaos I have a problem with.

No, it's the kind of my own making I despise. When I do or say somethign that I shouldn't and end up creating one of those messes that leaves me stressing in my room for days. Like opening a Pandora's box of old feelings. That kind of thing. Some doors are better left closed, I shoudl know that, but I alwyas have to press, don't I?

Silent Screams

I'm so stressed right now. I feel like I'm going to break any day. It's just keeps getting worse and I just want to escape my life, but I don't know how.

My mother's driving me up the wall. We've never had the most open relationship, but these days it's just really starting to bug me. It also make me miss my father all the more. He was the intermediary between the two of us, just like I was between the two of them. I could also talk to him about anything and I really miss that.

I could deal with my mother, when my father was there to temper her out. She was practical and responsible and tempermental and really controlling. But that was okay because he was irresponle and fun and easy-going. They balanced one another. But without him, she's pretty hard to deal with.

It was so much easier when he was here. I want him back. I want my old life back, but that ain't gonna happen. No matter how much I wish it would. It's not fair. It was all so much better seven months ago. I just want my old life back, is that too much to ask?

I Created Another Blog

I decided that this blog is good for my thoughts and for clearing my head. I can't rant here, talk about my personal drama and stuff like that, but I don't want to post creative stuff here. So I created another blog for all my writer's stuff.

I just needed the outlet, to pour out my thoughts and my story ideas, but I didn't want to do it, since I've always fought so hard to keep the real me and the writing me seperate. So I created a blog for it. It seemed as good an outlet as any. If you want to visit it's: http://misharambles.blogspot.com/

I don't have much to pour out right now. It's all kind of a jumble, if that makes any sense. I'm just very tired and very stressed. I have a lot on my plate and I kind of wish it would all go away. I need a break. Badly.

Ech!

So Mom and I went to the Ex yesterday, we had a lot of fun, except the end of the day sucked. I lost my backpack. My Sailor Moon one, that I'm really fond of.

Now, I know it's just a backpack and I'm lucky there was nothing of value in it (just a book and a bathing suit), but that backpack meant a lot to me. I got it at the first Anime North and I've brought it with me to every one since, plus on countless other excursions. Phil once had to rescue it from a locked room. I know it's only a thing, but it was special.

I guess I'm a little upset at implications that I shouldn't take it that seriously and that I should just get another one next year. I don't want another one, I want mine. I want the one that's been there for the last four years of my life... Is that too much to ask? I mean, I know it's just a thing and given everythng else I've lost this year, you'd think that a backpack wouldn't matter much on the grand scale of things, but... It's just one more stupid thing and it's not fair.

I bawled when I lost it, I cried the entire way home. As I said, it meant a lot to me. I loved that bag. Still, it is strange that I can cry over the little things, but that it took so long for the tears to come over the big things and whenever they do, thye don't last long. Maybe, I cry over the smaller things, because I'm afriad if I let myself cry over the big things I'll never stop.

I'm also a little upset that no one seems to care that to me this is a big deal, even if it is just a bag. It's not like anyone died, but Hell I already had that happen this year...

But I'm much more upset at the implication that I had it coming. Tara's comment on the froth that she wasn't surprised and that I should be more careful with my things. I resent that, because while I'm scatterbrained, I am careful with my things. I'll point out that this is the first time I've ever lost a purse/wallet/bag, more than can be said of other members of the group. It was late, I was tired, I set my bag down and simply forgot about it until it was too late. I'll admit it was stupid, but she didn't have to act like I had it coming. I hate being treated like I'm a scatterbrained ditz, I'm not. I might have been once, but I grew up/

I have to admit I'm in a really pissy mood. My wonderful mother/daughter bonding day ended on a sour note, my day at work sucked, I have a lot of stuff on my mind, and Tara's lovely comments didn't help my mood at all.

I just want the world to go away.