Blow Up

Every once in a while, my temper and hurt feelings unleash themselves before I can do anything about them and I act like a bitch. There's no middle ground, I go from hiding how I feel and keeping it all inside, to unleashing in in some form of another.

Do I regret how I acted? Not really. I probably wouldn't have chosen that exact way if I was going to do it all again. However, at the time it seemed the best option. I just felt like exploding and it was one of those times I was more hurt than angry.

Not because of what was actually said or done. I actually accept that the person has a pretty good reason for what they're doing. I'm not saying I like it, but if it was the only action I'd be okay with it, but recently this person has done this a few times and I'd never gotten angry before. Not to him anyway, I'd just said simply said "okay, fine, whatever" and then vented to someone else.

Well, I was sick of that, so this time I blew up and not in the most productive way. In fact, I acted a little childish. But so what? I was sick of it. Time to say something.

The person in question has been my friend for several years, but recently (even before this) I had felt that we were growing apart. Just at different places in our lives and it seems very hard to keep this particular friendship together. Don't get me wrong, I still care about this person and his friendship, I'm just...

I don't know. I just don't feel like he's that connected to my life, anymore. I don't really blame him (not even for what I yelled at him for, really), because he has his own life and things do come up and I understand that. It just seems that I've been pushed to the side and don't really matter anymore, like a safety friend, so I finally got sick of it.

I don't really blame him, because I know it happens. Friendships come and go, priorities change. It's not his fault, I understand he has a lot in his life. However, there is a limit, a place where you have to accept that the friendships not in a good place anymore and tonight I hit that limit. I also have no idea what it means to the friendship in general.

Part of me feels like a big baby for reacting like I did, because he really has a good reason and under normal circumstances I'd probably understand. Be disappointed, but I'd understand. However, adding to the way I've already been feeling, it was just one push too many.

Friendship isn't just about words, it's about actions too and lately his actions haven't shown that my friendship means anything to him. He keeps saying it does and then over and over again, he does something that seems to say the opposite. I've been trying to be understanding, since I know he's busy and I know that he has other priorities, however I just reached my limit.

Maybe I'm just upset because I was on such a high. I was having a good day. Two good days actually and then the Universe goes and drags me down again. Typical.