2004: A Year In Review

New Year's Eve. And yet again, I'm at home at my computer. Honestly, I had at least two different parties I could have gone to tonight and I was going to go to one of htem but Mom's sick and I'm on the mend, so we're going to spend this one at home.

It's not that big a deal. I wasn't actually sure that party was going to be that much fun. In fact, I was 99% convinced that it wouldn't be. I don't do well at parties. So skipping it doesn't really bother me. And I'm used to being alone on New Year's, so...

Another year is over. Thank God. 2004 was not the best year of my life. Not by a long shot. It started badly and ended badly. I mean, look at it this way, I think I'd rather live the year 1999 again and that wasn't my best year either.

Let's see we began the year in a very tight financial spot. No heat, no satelite, always worried about the mortgage. My dad had no job and we were hanging on by a thread. I don't think I ever want to be in that place again. Then, my father's killed in a car accident, which really sucked. So, I spend the next several months trying to deal with the consequences of that.

The next few months actually aren't that bad. I mean, I'm not crazy about my job and I felt depressed most of the time. But life went on. It was okay.

Then came September. I went to a party. I said too much and I cause a lovely mess. One of the reasons I hadn't realyl wanted to go to that party tonight. What can I say? I'm not a big fan of dealing with the consequences.

I ended up doing some damage to some very old friendships. How much damage I'm not sure. I haven't had the guts to try and find out. Instead, I've been avoiding the other people involved. Which is kind of difficult as they're two of my oldest friends. Or at least they were. I've had three stilted MSN conversations with one and a three minute chat in a grocery store with the other in the last three months.

Then there was all this in-fighting amongst my friends. I just want us to all get along. But I don't know if that's possible. It depresses me to even think about it.

What else happened this year? Well, several members of my family faced bad health. I lost my great aunt and another great aunt is in very poor health. Which really sucks because she's probably my favourite relative on that side of the family, not counting the immediate family, of course. My grandfather's also in poor health and I'm afraid I'm going to lose him too. I mean the man's almost 95, but I still don't want to lose him.

He frustrates me a lot of the time, but at the same time I have a lot of respect for my grandfather and we're close, or as close as he'll ever be to anyone. He's not the kindly, cuddly grandfather I always dreamed of. He's hard and demanidng, yet, I know he loves me and that he's only ever wanted what's best for me. It's just that we have very different views on that.

He's still with us for now, so I won't worry too much about the future. At least, I'll get to start off 2005 with him in it... We'll see where it goes from there.

I can't think of much out that happened. General restlessness on my part. I hate this town and my mother drives me crazy. But that's not new. Depression, but that's not surprising.

This hasn't been my best year. In fact, I'm quite happy to see it go. May 2005 bring better things.

Lord of the Rings

So, Taela and I did our Lord of the Rings Marathon. It tallied 11 1/2 hours and we skipped two scenes (Shelob--who needs to see tha more than once?) It was long, but a lot of fun.

I love the movies and I did really want to see them all in one sitting. I thought it would flow better that way and I was right. There was something pretty cool about watching the whole thing without stopping. From Bilbo's birthday to the Grey Havens.

Now, I'm not doing it again. No way. One was enough. I'm glad I did it, but from now on I'll stick to one movie at a time. I'm not one for sitting still that long anyway.

I wouldn't have been able to do it with anybody other than Taela. But we have this way of bouncing off each other that made the length bearable. Besides the commetns we (mostly Taela) made were amusing, to say the least. Most of her comments were about the possible sexual preference of the hobbits, but it was pretty funny.

This was the first time I had a chance to watched the whole RotK extended edition, so that was cool. There was some Faramir/Eowyn scenes, not a whole lot, it is a pretty minor plot point but I thought it was cool that we got to see them together before the coronation.

The trilogy was awesome. Especially the extended editions. It was definitly worth 12 hours of my life to watch it all at once. I just wish my dad could have been there with it. He would have loved it.

Anger

Mom and I just got into a fight. Which isn't exactly surprising since we fight all the time. This fight was different.

We were fighitng about my dad. I made a casual comment and she took offence. She's still mad at him for the way for he lived his life and for dying and leaving us. I don't see the point in being mad at him, I'm more sad that he was never at peace and sad that he died so young.

So the fight started about that, about the fact that she has to be negative and I refuse to be. Then it turned to the fact that it bothers her when I mention him. All right I can see it upsetting her a little, but she wanted to know why I alwyas had to talk about him, why I couldn't get over it?

That really upset me. Am I really supposed to just 'get over it'? I mean, he was my father and now he's dead. I know it's been almost a year, but it still hurts like Hell. It's still a raw wound in my soul. I am not ready to get over it. Also my mother's certainly not getting it over, so why would I be?

I know that it still hurts her and she was just taking that out on me, but that one really angered me. This is one of those mometns I wish we were on different continents, instead of in the same house. She's been so mean this last year and while I understand, it doens't mean I want to be her verbal punching bag.

Maybe I do talk about my father a little too much as anyone who has read this blog would probably say. I'm sure my friends would agree, though they've all been too polite to say so. But talking about him helps me heal. I need to talk about him. I just can't forget he ever existed. I even to talk about the accident, because that helps me understand it a little better. Is that really so bad?

This is the worst thing that ever happened to me. It tore my life apart and left it in a million pieces. Is it really a crime to talk about it?

No More Ring For Me

My belly button ring came out today. No pliers needed. I was just playing with it, twisting the ball and it popped out. I took that as a sign it was time to change the stud, after all I've had it for almost ten weeks and it has healed.

Anyway, so I put in one of the barbells that Robin and Becky gave me for Christmas. I must say it looks awesome. It has a little pink rose on either end and it's not so bid that it causes me any trouble or gets stuck on anything. I'm so glad I was finally able to change it.

So, my next order of business is to go shopping and by a few more barbells. I have two already, but I think I'll probably want a couple of others. Something funky I can wear in the summer when I can actually show off my belly. But nothing too long and dangly, I have this horrible fear of getting it stuck on stuff and ripped out. That does not sound like fun.

I am glad to get rid of the ring. I have to admit that It made me really nervous. I just couldn't forget the story my dad told me about the girl he knew who got it caught in a car accident and had it ripped out. I know the barbell could still get ripped out, but it seems a little less likely. Thankfully.

'Tis the Season

So Christmas is now officially over. It wasn't as bad as it could have been, though certainly not the best Christmas of life (no matter how many presents I got).

I got to see most of my family which is nice, since that's what Christmas is really about. Went to my grandfather's Christmas day and then my Aunt Liz's that night. Then yesterday, we all went to my Aunt Marilyn's, which was fun (though noisy, as always). We also went to my godparents' on Christmas Eve, which was nice, though more subdued that usual.

I got a lot of stuff. This seems to be the year of the double present. I got two belly button studs (both from Taela's presents), two make-up kits (one from my mom and the other from my aunt), and two watches (both from Mom), as well as multiple trivia games and puzzle books (from my mother).

I did pretty well in the present department. Lot's of clothes, books, and candy. The movies that I wanted (Lord of the Rings: Return of the King EE; Harry Potter: Prisoner of Azkaban; and The Princess Diaries2: A Royal Engagement). In fact I got most of the stuff I wanted. I got a book on Katherine Hepburn (yay!) and some other books that look interesting. Mom did make a slight mistake with LIttle Women. I forgot to tell her that the book is occasinally sold in two parts and sure enough, I only got the first part. Oops. But, I got two book gift cards, so I'll just rectify that mistake myself. No big deal.

Had fun with my cousins. I got my little cousin Billy to actually talk to me. He's a great kid, but very quiet (which is really odd, given the rest of our family). I think he's starting to realize that we actually have a bit in common, like similar taste in music. I mentioned a song I like and he went and got the CD and played it for me, which was cool.

Got to play with my little cousins who are all so cute. Even if my cousin's daughter really doens't seem to like me that much. My cousin Cathy is so pregnant, not surprisign since she's due any day now. I was actually surprised that she made it down, but I was glad to see her.

Christmas wasn't easy by any means. I missed my dad a lot. I think we all did. I just couldn't help thinking it wasn't much fun as it would have been if he were still here. But then most things aren't. He was so much fun, so full of life. He loved Christmas, he was just like a little kid, and it wasn't the same without him.

I broke my vow of getting through the hollidays without crying. I ended up crying in my cousin Tammy's lap yesterday. It just hit me that he wasn't there and he would never be there again. After a few minutes and a couple of hugs I was okay, though still a little sad. I'm lucky though, to have a big wonderful family there to comfort me when I'm sad.

Taela and I are going to watch all three extended editions of the Lord of the Rings back-to-back on Thursday, which'll be fun. We've been waiting three years to do that. Then on Friday it's New Year's and I have a party to go to. It may or may not be fun, depends on whether luck is on my side or not.

Christmas Eve

It's Christmas Eve. I've found that no matter how hard I try, the closer it gets to actually being Christmas, the unhappier I get. I just miss my dad so much and the idea of him not being there tomorrow... It's too damned hard to even put into words.

Still, I'm trying my hardest to be happy and joyful. I mean, I do have things to be thankful for. I have my mom and all the rest of my family, as well as wonderful friends. And though it's not Christmas yet, I've already gotten some awesome presents.

For me giving really is better than recieving, I love to see people's reactions to the presents I bought them, but getting is still pretty good. I feel good about the presents I bought my friends and there reactions, I think I did a pretty good job of getting people things they'd like and people did a pretty good job of knowing what I'd like.

For example, Taela got me the movie I wanted, but she also got me a Batgirl Barbie! How perfect is that? I love Batgirl, the original Batgirl, that is, Barbara Gordon. When I was little that's who I wanted to grow up to be. So that's a pretty awesome present, just shows you how well Taela knows me.

The rest of my presents from my friends were just as good. I got a hamster that played 'Oh Canada' and wore a Team Canada Jersey from Meg. How cute is that? I also got some art stuff. I thought that was pretty cool. Ben gave me a little Teddy Bear in a Darcy Tucker Jersey (naturally) and Ty gave me a Sarah McLachlan DVD, which proves they know me pretty well too.

I did really well in the present department already and I haven't even opened anything from my mom yet. But it's not what I got so much, as the fact that people knew what to choose to give me. That means more, really.

Still, despite all the great gifts I've already gotten, I'm still a little down. I'd give up every present I'll get this year to have my dad back, but I think everyone already knew that. There's nothing in the world that makes up for him being gone and Christmas without him is just so Damned hard.

Tonight we're going to my godparents. Mom and I debated whether or not we should go without him, but in the end Mom decided that we should. So, we'll go and I'm sure we'll have fun, but I'm sure we'll notice the one who's missing. Who'll never be here again. Just like I'm sure we'll notice him tomorrow and on Sunday when my maternal family gets together.

It won't be the same without him. But then, nothing is.

Rant

Okay, I was debating long and hard about this entry. First, some of the things I'm about to say are going to piss some people off. But I don't really care about that, it's not like the people who are going to pissed off probably weren't already pissed at me. Besides, I can take whatever they throw at me.

The second reason took more thought, what I'm about to comment on doesn't really concern me. But it concerns people I love, so in a way it concerns me. If you attack my friends, especially my best friends--you attack me. I mean, I wanted to stay neutral, to stay out of this whole damned mess as much as I could, even if I was forced to take sides, but I'm now pissed enough to say something.

The third reason I debated about this holds the most merrit. What I'm about to comment was written as a comment replying to something written in a blog. Yeah, I know. Also, I'm not sure a blog is the best place for a personal confrontation, there seems to have been too much of that in the past, but then I thought about it and decided that this blog is my place to write down my thoughts and to rant about what's bothering me. This is what's bothering me. I don't care who reads it or what they think, I just want to get it off my chest.

Now, maybe I'd be better off talking to the person who angered me face to face, but I honestly doubt that would work. First of all, the person in question doesn't seem that likely to listen to reason and I honestly doubt I could keep my temper and be reasonable and I know it would just explode into a disaster and make things worse. So, I'll skip that thank you.

So, here goes. Tara made a post in her blog criticizing Emma, mainly for something Emma wrote in her blog, which I have to admit bothered me too. I know, should we still be reading Emma's blog? Probably not, but there's some sort of twisted pull. I can't help it. Anyway, Tara's complaint was: "You know on that last one, I thought a little bit about what I said, and I think the thing that pissed me off the most was: There was Meg, CRYING, no more than 10 feet away. Like, they had to have known something was going on. I can only hope the pair of them aren't THAT dense. But then again..."

She also said a few things about Emma's personal life, which may or may not have merit, I don't really care. Tara was honestly upset and so was I, Saterday was not a fun night and watching one of my best friend's be that upset was horrible. I'll be honest and say that was the thing that pushed me over the edge from neautral to taking sides. No one makes my friends cry.

Anyway, then Emma commented back: "You mean FAKE tears she was crying? Yeah I noticed those..."

Just reading that made me want to strangle her. How dare she make those kind of judgements and sound callous? Doesn't she care about the emotional damage she's doing? Apparently not. What kind of person is she? Not one I want in my life, evidently. I mean, I've made a few people cry in my life, so that I could have forgiven if she shown any sympathy, empathy or regret. But nope, she doesn't feel any of those things.

She goes on to comment that the only reason any of us have problems with her is jealousy. Well, speaking for myself, no I have problems with her because she's causing my friends pain. Why would I be jealous of her? Jealousy's a waste of time. I will admit that the fact that we are all discussing her blog is putting more emphasis on her than she deserves, but speaking for myself her, don't know about Tara, it just irritated me so much that I had to say something.

I am honestly to lose Emery as a friend if it has to come to that, and I have a feeling that it probably does. But I have no such problems getting rid of Emma. I think we're better off without her. Not that she's a bad person or anything, who am I to make those judgements? But judging from recent goings on, she's not someone I want in my life and I think we're all better off withouht her.

There I'm done. I've said my piece and I'm not going to let anything she says affect me. I mean, she's going to think whatever she wants to think and I can't stop her.

Empty

This weekend has really sucked. Well, most of it. Shopping with the boys and Jamie was fun, but the rest of it. Well, let's just say that I don't think this is a weekend I'd live over.

First, there was the stuff with my friends. That wasn't fun. Seeing the damage that has been done. I honestly which I could stay everyone's friend, but I don't think that's going to happen, so... I made the choice that I hate to make and let the chips fall where they may.

I've decided that since I hate it when other people beat around the bush, that I'm going to stop doing it. In the past, I've made too much of a habit of making vague references and never naming names. In some cases, I did it because I believed the person involved would prefer it that way, but others it was because I was afraif of how someone would react. I'm not going to let that motivate me. Besides, I really have no idea who reads this anyway.

So, since I'm being honest, I'm going to say that the decision to let go of my friendship with Emery is painful. He's been my friend for a long time and a part of me really wants to stay his friend, but I just don't think that's possible right now. I have to stand behind those who have always stood behind me.

I was blindsided by most of what has happened. I knew it had gotten bad, but I didn't know just how bad. I mean, for me, it's weird, since I've been the outsider in all this. To be perfectly honest, no one has done anything to me, per say. But when you hurt my friends, you hurt me. Also, since people started trying to sway my opinion, then obviously they meant for me to get involved. I'd love to stay neutral, if it was possible, but it's not.

That painful mess aside, my weekend sucked for other reasons. When I got home last night, I felt pretty bad and wanted someone to lean on. Taela was at work and my mom wasn't home, most of my other friends are more invovled in the mess than I a, so are taking it a million times harder, as they should. Anyway, the next person I thought of calling surprised me. For a moment, I was really tempted to pick up the phone and call James, which is kind of odd. In the end I decided against it, but I still think it's weird that that thought even crossed my mind.

I really confuse myself sometimes. I think I want one thing, then in the heat of the moment I decide I want something else. When I have that thing, I decide I want the first thing. I can never make up my own mind. Maybe, that's one of my problems.

To make things even better, Mom was half an hour late picking me up from work. The weather was awful and when she got there, I was really bitchy to her. It wasn't until about ten minutes later that I started crying and admitted why I was so upset.

When she was late and I was standing there watching hte snow fall, the only thing I could think about was 'what if she's dead'. What if the same thing that happened to my father, happened to her? What would I do then? What would why do if I lost her? It's so terrifying.

A year ago, I worried, like everyone, but I wasn't filled with the paralyzing fear that I feel now. But now I know how bad it can be when someone isn't where they said they'd be. I'm still recovering from that nightmare come to life and I'm scared every day, that I'll have to go through it all over again. I can't lose my mom. She's all I have in the world. If I lose her, I'm completely alone and that terrifies me.

I'm glad this weekend is over. As far as my emotions go, this weekend wasn't that much fun. In fact, it really sucked.

Friendships Lost

I'm a deeply loyal person. The budding astrologist in me, credits that with me being a Leo, but I might have just gotten from my parents since they always taught me that loyalty was a key ingredient in friendship.

Because of my deep loyalty to the people I love, I hate giving up on people. I'll stick with someone for as long as I can, as long as I believe I have some reason, may it only be past behavior, to stick around. But eventually, there comes a point when you have to accept there's no point in hanging on.

For me, that's an incredibly hard decision to make and an incredibly painful one. It's also something I consider drastic measures and will only do if I think I absoloutley have to.

Several years ago, I reached that point with several of my Castleton friends. It came to the point where that crowd and some of those people was just slowly destroying me, so I cut my losses. It wasn't an easy decision, but it was the best one for my mental health. I kept some friendships and wrote off others, as well as distancing myself from the group as a whole.

Now, I've come to the point where I have to do it again. This time with someone who's been a good friend for a long time and the idea of not having this person in my life hurts, but there's nothing I can do to salvage the friendship. This person is just not someone I can be around right now and that really hurts, but it's something I have to accept.

When all the shit started to hit the fan with my friends, I wanted to stay neautral and for a while it worked. But it's come to the point where I had to pick a side and there was really only one side I can pick. As I said, I'm a loyal person and I have to give my loyalty to the friend who's never done anything but stand by me in all the time that I've known her. After all, I know she'd side with me.

I'm so full of emotion. Anger, disgust, confusion, sadness. I'm trying to keep a tight lid on it, but it's hard. A part of me wants to go hit something (or somebody), another part wants to scream and throw things, a third part just wants to cry, and the fourth part wants to go hide somewhere until all the bad things go away. I'm not sure which impulse is the healthiest.

In the end, the only thing I can do is stand behind the conviction that I made the right choice and pray that somehow things work out someday. I doubt it'll happen soon, but maybe someday. Who knows, right?

Torn

I just feel so muddled these days--torn in so many directions. I have so much stuff piled upon me and it's making my head spin. I'm trying to be what everyone needs me to be--a good loyal friend, a loving niece, a devoted daughter and granddaughter. But it's so hard, I feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions and everyone wants my absoloute loyalty.

Mom wants me to stay here indefinitately for her, even though I'm suffocating here. Grandpa just keeps reminding me of my 'potential' and urges me to do something with it--meaning what he wants me to do. Other relatives have laid their own guilt trips on me, reminding me of where I'm needed--even if it's not where I need to be.

On the other hand, my friends have so much chaos going on in their personal relationships and I do feel caught up in it all. I'm hearing so many different things I don't know what to believe and what not to believe. I don't want to side with anyone at least not to the point of cutting off someone else. Is that so wrong?

I just wish things could be simple for just a little while. You know that everyone could get along and be nice to each other. Would that be too much to ask?

It just feels like I'm drowning and that's there's nothing to grab onto.

The Way They Were Back Then

rickwanda
Originally uploaded by Misha726.

This is my parents shortly after they met. I think they had been together two months at this point. How young they were...

Christmas Shopping

I'm writing this from my aunt's place in Oshuwa. We came up for the day to go shopping and ended up deciding to spend the night. Which is cool, I guess.

The problem with Mom and I go shopping together is that we can't shop for one another if we're together. So, I think we're splitting up in the morning so she can buy me some of the stuff I wanted, since there were a few things that can't be found in Cobourg.

I decided that this weekend I would hang out with just my mom. You know, it's rarely just the two of us, so I thought that would make a nice change. I hang out with my friends a fair bit, but when I really think about it, I usually don't have that much time for Mom, so... Besides, I like hanging out with her.

Christmas is coming. Ugh. I have two presents bought and since I have approximately 15 people on my shopping list and at least one of them I buy more than one present for, I have a few more that I have to buy. To say the least.

I also have to finish painting ornaments--about halfway there, I think--and start making candy, though I'll do that closer to Christmas. I'm being ambitious this year.